Self-reflection

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. ~ Psalm 139:23-24.

See, one of the qualities David had which made him such a great king was his absolute honesty with himself and with God. He had no delusions as to his position - even though chosen by God Himself, David knew better than to think he was great.

He knew, without a doubt, that he was a sinner: Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.- Psalm 51:2. (This was written after the Bathsheba incident)

David never had any pretenses with God. When he sinned, he admitted it. He asked God to cleanse him, instead of cooking up excuses to justify his actions.

He even asked God to cleanse his hidden sins. David knew that God knows him better than he does himself; after all, God created him!

Psalm 139:23-24 was, in effect, a prayer to God to purify him.

David always emphasised the importance of self-reflection: Psalm 4:4 - ...when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

And he's right. I've seen people who deceive themselves, and it isn't a pretty sight. Most do it out of fear, and not all are conscious that they deceive themselves. They try to run away from who they are, not wanting to face reality.

It makes them susceptible to the devil's lies, makes them easy prey, because once they shut their eyes to truth, they can't recognize it anymore.

The reluctance for self-reflection leads to self-destruction.

Through God's eyes

More often than not, we tend to view things from our own perspectives. We let our worldly 'knowledge' and 'logic' taint the way we see people and circumstances.

We see the surface, the package, the way things seem to be. We leave God out of the picture, forget what He can do, forget that He sees things differently.

We are polite to wealthy people, but when we come across a man sleeping on the street, we step away from him as if he's not there.

We pay attention to "beautiful" people, and try to be friends with popular ones, but shy away or even make fun of "weird" people just because they don't fit in, which is an extremely cowardly reaction.

We love people who are close to us, but we are mean to those we dislike. When people hurt us, we hurt them back.

We hate the sin and the sinners, forgetting that 1) We ourselves are sinners, and 2) God loves everyone.

When circumstances seem dire, we give up and despair. We think the situation's impossible. We forget that nothing is impossible for our Lord, the God of all mankind.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. - James 1:22

We have learnt nothing, if we read the Bible and pray daily but do not put what we read into practice.

We should start looking at things from God's perspective, start trusting Him more and the devil's lies not at all; start loving people, not least our enemies; start praying for those who have wounded us.

Repay hatred with love, see if it doesn't get you anywhere.

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. - James 1:23-24

Yes, I have been walking away from the mirror. I forget what I look like. But it's high time I start looking at this world, at its people and the trials it offers through God's eyes.

Mass Deception

Man's concept of freedom is flawed:

to give our passions free rein

is to live as slaves,

mastered by our desires.

I Hatedespiseabhor This Question!!!

I've finally found a question I truly despise, which beats the "Aiyo, why don't you get braces?" question.

Ready for it?

"Eh, when are your results coming out?!" or a variation "Eh, are your results out yet?"

I know the people who ask this have my best intentions at heart or truly care for me (or maybe just have nothing to say and are looking for conversation material OR are just plain freakin' busybodies) but that doesn't help.

Every time I hear that question, a tingle starts up my spine and makes my fists clench automatically. It takes a serious amount of willpower to respond normally and not throw a hysterical fit and start clawing the person's eyes out.

So if you've read this, and you know me, DON'T FREAKIN' ASK ME THAT STOOPID QUESTION. Just leave me the heck alone. Okay?!

Gah.

Being the smart person I am (cue for you to puke), I can foresee that I won't be plagued by this annoyance for much longer.

However, the downside: another (more annoying!) question will take its place. And this, besides hatred, I view with trepidation...

"How did you do for your exam?"

I will not be responsible for my reactions. If you choose to ask, do so at your own peril. I have given you sufficient warning:

I. Will. Kill.

When Friends Fight

I absolutely hate it when two friends, both of whom I love, get into a disagreement.

You see each person's point of view, and you know they're never going to agree on that matter, and that their friendship is frayed - and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's just so crappy, because it means that if I invite both of them out together - let's say, for example, to my birthday party - there's going to be major awkward pauses and me tippy-toeing around them.

=(

"Date"ability

Just out of the blue, these thoughts. I don't think I'd ever date a guy who...

1) isn't chivalrous and a gentleman.

2) doesn't speak/spell good English. Mean, I know. But. It just gets on my nerves, reading/hearing bad English.

3) doesn't have a sense of humor. Ugh. I'd rather talk to the wall.

4) doesn't appreciate food.

5) doesn't read. As in, literate-but-don't-like-to-read.

6) isn't on the same wavelength as I am. Communication would be pure torture.

7) doesn't drive. You think I'm materialistic? Wrong. I'm just practical. I can't see myself driving my date.

8) can't carry a decent conversation with me. Like if we have nothing in common. Intellectual stimulation = mucho brownie points!

9) isn't intellectually and emotionally mature.

10) is younger than I am. Not even by months.

11) chews his food loudly/has atrocious table manners.

12) doesn't hold the door open for me or offer to carry any heavy stuff.

13) doesn't make a move to help if I've dropped something, or look like I need help. It doesn't matter that I can handle it myself, it's the thought that counts.

I'm not picky, am I?

Weird

I live a pretty normal life, but there are times when I get involved, involuntarily, in funny situations.

A clear example - my hotmail account has been very 'busy', because apparently, the name I use is a common name. I've been mistaken for someone else with the same name! And I suspect it's not just one other person. I think there are a bunch of girls out there with the same "Christian" name as I have, and with my surname as well.

Huh. It can get pretty amusing. Some people request to be added on my MSN Messenger list, I approve, said person starts the conversation by going, "Hey, so are you going to (fill in place of choice)?" and I'll go "Er...not to be rude or anything, but do I know you?" and then the inevitable response, "Are you joking or being serious?"

I usually crack up by then. But I've actually met a nice guy through this mistaken identity thing, and we're pretty good friends now.

Life can be so weird!

Fforde Frustration!

Jasper Fforde is a rare breed of near-extinct writer - he's an absolute original and is in the same league (in my world) as Neil Gaiman.

Anyway, I was doing my usual round of book-hunting, as happens whenever I visit the capital of the country, and I managed to buy books 2 to 4 of the Thursday Next series in different book stores. I couldn't find the 1st title, The Eyre Affair, but was happy enough with what I had even though the books had different cover designs because they were from different publishers.

Then I came back, and went to the local bookstore.

Imagine, then, how I felt when I saw the entire collection of the Thursday Next series in a box-set!!! To rub it in, the set was very cheap (as compared to standard novel prices) and - obviously - had matching covers.

Argh.

*jumps off cliff*

"Ugly Girl"

There are some songs which will first make you laugh, and then pause to think. Fiona Apple's "Ugly Girl" is one of those songs. Check out the lyrics:

When I saw you at the grocery store

You were sharin a shopping cart with her
And I couldn’t turn and run away
I didn’t know what to say
You introduced us for the first time
And I had to look her in the eye
But you could not have imagined my surprise

Can’t you see?
You’re leaving me
For an ugly girl

Does she talk about politics?
And all that stuff that used to makes me sick
Does she smoke cigars and stay up late
Oh she’s so great
Does she tell you what you want to hear?
And I bet she could grow a beard
I'd feel better thinking you were queer

It’s not fair
I can’t compare
To an ugly girl
To an ugly girl

Hahaha the jokes on me
I feel jealous and I feel mean
She’s so nice
That it makes up for her face
There’s no way, do you have to keep your eyes closed
Do you have to keep the lights down low?
Oh I bet you wish you had a blind fold

Can't you see you’re leaving me
For an ugly girl
For an ugly girl
She’s an ugly girl
A real ugly girl

I first heard this thanks to Alisha. She was like, "You have to hear this song!" and I was there doubting, because although we once shared the same taste in music, it's beginning to differ now (yes, Kaiser Chiefs SUCK! I don't care what you say, Lish!).

I think it's pretty interesting that the ex leaves the girl for an ugly girl. How many standard songwriters and contemporary pop music people would actually think of that? It's usually the typical boy-leaves-girl-for-prettier-version scenario. For that alone, this song earns my respect and a lot of chuckles besides!

THE BURDEN

I received this in an email...

"Why was my burden so heavy?" I slammed the bedroom door and leaned against it. Is there no rest from this life? I wondered. I stumbled to my bed and dropped onto it, pressing my pillow around my ears to shut out the noise of my existence.

"Oh God," I cried, "let me sleep. Let me sleep forever and never wake
up!"

With a deep sob I tried to will myself into oblivion, then welcomed the blackness that came over me.

Light surrounded me as I regained consciousness. I focused on its source: the figure of a man standing before a cross.

"My child," the person asked, "why did you want to come to Me before I am ready to call you?"

"Lord, I'm sorry. It's just that...I can't go on. You see how hard it is for me. Look at this awful burden on my back. I simply can't carry it anymore."

"But haven't I told you to cast all of your burdens upon Me, because I care for you? My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

"I knew You would say that. But why does mine have to be so heavy?"

"My child, everyone in the world has a burden. Perhaps you would like to try a different one?"

"I can do that?"

He pointed to several burdens lying at His feet. "You may try any of these."

All of them seemed to be of equal size. But each was labeled with a name.

"Why there's Joan's!" I said. Joan was married to a wealthy businessman. She lived in a sprawling estate and dressed her three daughters in the prettiest designer clothes. Sometimes she drove me to church in her Cadillac when my car was broken.

"Let me try that one." How difficult could her burden be? I thought.

The Lord removed my burden and placed Joan's on my shoulders. I sank to my knees beneath its weight. "Take it off!" I said. "What makes it so heavy?"

"Look inside."

I untied the straps and opened the top. Inside was a figure of her Mother-in-law, and when I lifted it out, it began to speak.

"Joan, you'll never be good enough for my son," it began. "He never should have married you. You're a terrible mother to my grandchildren..."

I quickly placed the figure back in the pack and withdrew another. It was Donna, Joan's youngest daughter. Her head was bandaged from the surgery that had failed to resolve her epilepsy.

A third figure was Joan's brother. Addicted to drugs, he had been convicted of killing a police officer.

"I see why her burden is so heavy, Lord. But she's always smiling and helping others. I didn't realize..."

"Would you like to try another?" He asked quietly.

I tested several. Paula's felt heavy: She was raising four small boys without a father. Debra's did too: a childhood of sexual abuse and a marriage of emotional abuse. When I came to Ruth's burden, I didn't even try. I knew that inside I would find arthritis, old age, a
demanding full-time job, and a beloved husband in a nursing home.

"They're all too heavy, Lord." I said. "Give back my own."

As I lifted the familiar load once again, it seemed much lighter than the others.

"Let's look inside," He said.

I turned away, holding it close. "That's not a good idea," I said.

"Why?"

"There's a lot of junk in there."

"Let Me see."

The gentle thunder of His voice compelled me. I opened my burden.

He pulled out a brick. "Tell me about this one."

"Lord, You know. It's money. I know we don't suffer like people in some poorer countries or even the homeless here. But we have no insurance, and when the kids get sick, we can't always take them to the doctor. They've never been to a dentist. And I'm tired of dressing them in hand-me-downs."

"My child, I will supply all of your needs... and your children's. I've given them healthy bodies. I will teach them that expensive clothing doesn't make a person valuable in My sight."

Then He lifted out the figure of a small boy. "And this?" He asked.

"Andrew..." I hung my head, ashamed to call my son a burden. "But, Lord, he's hyperactive. He's not quiet like the other two. He makes me so tired. He's always getting hurt, and someone is bound to think I abuse him. I yell at him all the time. Someday I may really hurt
him...."

"My child," He said, "if you trust Me, I will renew your strength. If you allow Me to fill you with My Spirit, I will give you patience."

Then He took some pebbles from my burden.

"Yes, Lord," I said with a sigh. "Those are small. But they're important. I hate my hair. It's thin, and I can't make it look nice. I can't afford to go to the beauty shop. I'm overweight and can't stay on a diet. I hate all my clothes. I hate the way I look!"

"My child, people look at your outward appearance, but I look at your heart. By My Spirit you can gain self-control to lose weight. But your beauty should not come from outward appearance. Instead, it should come from your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in My sight."

My burden now seemed lighter than before.

"I guess I can handle it now." I said.

"There is more," He said. "Hand Me that last brick."

"Oh, You don't have to take that. I can handle it."

"My child, give it to Me." Again His voice compelled me. He reached out His hand, and for the first time I saw the ugly wound.

"But, Lord, this brick is so awful, so nasty, so.....Lord! What happened to Your hands? They're so scarred!" No longer focused on my burden, I looked for the first time into His face. In His brow were ragged scars - as though someone had pressed thorns into His flesh.

"Lord," I whispered. "What happened to You?"

His loving eyes reached into my soul.

"My child, you know. Hand Me the brick. It belongs to Me. I bought it."

"How?"

"With My blood."

"But why, Lord?"

"Because I have loved you with an Everlasting Love. Give it to Me."

I placed the filthy brick into His wounded palm. It contained all the dirt and evil of my life: my pride, my selfishness, the depression that constantly tormented me.

He turned to the cross and hurled my brick into the pool of blood at its base. It hardly made a ripple.

"Now, My child, you need to go back. I will be with you always. When you are troubled, call to Me and I will help you and show you things you cannot imagine now."

"Yes, Lord, I will call on You."

I reached to pick up my burden.

"You may leave that here if you wish. You see all these burdens? They are the ones that others have left at My feet. Joan's, Paula's, Debra's, Ruth's.....When you leave your burden here, I carry it with you. Remember, My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

As I placed my burden with Him, the light began to fade. Yet I heard Him whisper, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

A peace flooded my soul.

Black Pants & Invaded Privacy

I came back from my holidays to discover that, in my absence, my closet had been tampered with. My clothes weren't in the correct order, and a bag containing private stuff (letters and journals) had been messed with and left open.

I went through my clothes and lo!-my favorite pair of black pants was missing.

I could feel the beginnings of a fine rage heating up my blood. The maid who takes care of my grandma had just left for a short holiday to her native country, and she has a daughter around my age. She was the only person who could've touched my stuff and she has a record of pilfering things.

I felt disturbed, and scarily angry. More than the thought that my stuff had been stolen was the sense of invaded privacy - that my stuff had been 'violated'!

Quiet time that night was hard. I kept on telling God how pissed off I was, and since He reminded me only the night before that 'revenge belongs to the Lord', it was clear that the right thing to do was to leave matters to Him.

I have to admit, I asked Him for revenge. God, I'm the innocent party! Please see to it that whoever was responsible for all this suffers terribly!!! (Yes, okay, maybe I went overboard. But I'm extremely territorial, and hate near-strangers touching my stuff without my permission!)

I have a daily Bible-reading 'plan' of 5 psalms per day, and it so happened that that night it was Psalms 1 to 5. God doesn't mince His Word!

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD. - Psalm 4:4-5

Okay, Lord. But I can't do it on my own. If left to my own devices, I would be cursing, spitting mad. Help me trust in You, help me offer the right sacrifices.

Well, let me tell you that fighting to keep down my anger, struggling not to give it free rein was a Herculean effort to me. And I thought I'd improved! God showed me otherwise.

The next night, my pants had not been found and I gave it up for lost forever. The boiling rage had subsided to a simmer, and every time I found myself thinking of it and getting angry, I surrendered it to the Lord.

A voice seemed to speak in my head To the faithful He shows Himself faithful...

I wasn't familiar with that verse, so I opened my Bible to look it up. I thought it was in the New Testament, but it's actually Psalm 18:25 - To the faithful, You show Yourself faithful.

Goosebumps swept up my arms. Okay, Lord, if You see fit to take away my pants, so be it, because You know what's best for me. I'll just continue being faithful and offering up the right sacrifices.

The 3rd day...my black pants was restored to me! The maid (another one) found it in some obscure linen closet! Obviously it was misplaced.

First I was joyful. Then I was ashamed, remembering how I'd wronged an innocent maid and how arrogant I was in seeking retribution!

Immediately I repented.

And God reminded me of these verses, which are now among my favorites:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Indeed, give thanks in ALL circumstances! It's amazing how much God taught me through a pair of misplaced pants and a bit of invaded privacy.

Common Misconceptions 2

Society's skewed notion of Christianity:

1) People can get to Heaven by Doing Good.

2) When good people die, they become angels with wings and a halo, sitting on clouds playing harps.

3) The only thing you do in Heaven is sit on clouds and play harps.

4) Hell is a place where you are tortured by demons. (This is a particularly annoying misconception because in actual fact, demons will be burning in Hell too. They will be suffering just as much, and they are NOT the ones doing the torturing. Hell is a punishment place for demons just as much as it is for other souls.)

5) Hell is one big party place with drinks, drugs, smoke, free sex, etc. (Sounds more like a description of Earth!)

6) God doesn't care for us, as can be seen by all the crappy, bad things happening.

In fact, the general notion of God has morphed so much, it's unrecognizable. I dare say it's morphed into another 'religion' altogether!

Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions. - Ecclesiastes 7:10

It's always sad when people move away and move on. I hate 'losing' friends, because life just won't be the same when the people you love are far away from you.

Now Sin Yee's gone and Chun Chung will be going away soon. Amanda might, too.

:(

But God knows His stuff.