Soledad's Birthday

I. For Her Birthday, Soledad Had Her Heart Broken

It broke with a sound exactly like the beep from her phone when a message was received. She'd expected the sound to be louder, more dramatic, to correspond with the actual pain, but then again, life was always weird.


II. Birthdays Are Just Another Occasion To Get Hurt

Each consecutive birthday was worse than the last. It was a good opportunity this year to be hurt, especially by the people closest to her heart, whom she loved the most. Her family and friends are so wonderful that she can't wait to get away from them. This year, Soledad played Voodoo Girl and Pincushion Queen again.


III. Plath's Wisdom

Sylvia Plath wrote something along the lines of "If you expect nothing from anyone, you'll never be disappointed." Soledad thinks Sylvia might be on to something.


IV. Love Is A Liability

Love always requires you to cut your heart into pieces as an offering, as bait. Soledad had done just that, only to realize that her offering was not wanted.


V. The Increase

One year older, one year dumber.

each moment that you do not miss me

stretches

into an eternity

of lifetimes upon lifetimes

lived

learning to die

painfully, intimately

acquainted

with grief

only when you think of me again

can i

finally

breathe easy

And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. -2 Corinthians 5:15

Christ cannot really work in us until and unless we begin to surrender to Him and to die to self. If we're too full of ourselves, there's no space left for Jesus.

Easier said than done, though. I still struggle sometimes. There are things I enjoy doing, but then it hits me that even though they're not sinful per se, they don't glorify God.

Dying for Jesus is easy. It's living for Him that's hard.

Graduation

Graduation
~~~~~~~~~~
a story by A

The academic regalia lay in a carelessly flung heap on her bed.

The girl stared at it with hatred, the robe, the hood, the ugly mortarboard, and wished she could take a knife to the whole mass of dark cloth, tearing at it until it resembled the chaotic mess she felt within her.

She still remembered with perfect clarity the fit of peevishness and anger which washed over her when her mother had sounded disappointed, a few days earlier, that she wanted to skip her own graduation ceremony. Dad's looking forward to it, her mother had said softly, and with that sentence, rage flared up in her.

She was surprised at her reaction, and the strength of it, but a deeply-rooted sense of guilt and filial piety had her biting back her natural loathing towards the graduation ceremony, swallowing it down and making herself sick in the process.

She hated the robes, hated the idea of the graduation ceremony, hated the pride in her parents' eyes, hated them all.

This whole damn thing, she thought, sick to the core, is pointless.

The heap of cloth on her bed continued to taunt her by its mere presence, the mortarboard arrogantly daring her to slash it. She would have loved to shred the robe to pieces and hang herself with the hood, but the fact that it was a rental prevented her.

Come to think of it, she hated, too, the practical, polite side of her which always emerged victorious when inner battles were being fought out.

Her mother's voice rang out, interrupting her thoughts, asking her if she was ready for the photography session.

I'm coming, she said, gathering up the robe, hood, mortarboard and putting on her smiling, everything's-okay mask.

Hey There Delilah

I never really liked the name Delilah, but this song makes me wanna change my name!

"Hey There Delilah" - by Plain White T

Hey there Delilah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away

But girl tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely

Give this song another listen

Close your eyes

Listen to my voice it's my disguise

I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

What you do to me

Hey there Delilah

I know times are getting hard

But just believe me girl

Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar

We'll have it good

We'll have the life we knew we would

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say

If every simple song I wrote to you

Would take your breath away

I'd write it all

Even more in love with me you'd fall

We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends would all make fun of us

And we'll just laugh along because we know

That none of them have felt this way

Delilah I can promise you

That by the time we get through

The world will never ever be the same

And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah

You be good and don't you miss me

Two more years and you'll be done with school

And I'll be making history like I do

You'll know it's all because of you

We can do whatever we want to

Hey there Delilah here's to you

This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

What you do to me.

According to the front page of today's edition of The Star, 14 August 2007, it's time for that game again: the Blame Game.

Boy, are bus companies all over Malaysia gonna feel the heat or what! I can predict what's going to happen, though.

First, there will of course be extensive media coverage on irresponsible bus drivers and bus companies, accompanied by a slew of angry letters from outraged citizens all over Malaysia. Maybe even an interview or two, featuring past survivors, or relatives of victims.

Inevitably, the government will then step in (or be dragged in), and make appropriate comforting noises and show that they will take steps to prevent this horrendous thing from happening again. Excuses will be made for the terrible bus accident, notwithstanding the fact that irresponsible bus drivers have been a recurring nightmare for every bus passenger in Malaysia ever since time immemorial.

Add into this mixture a scapegoat to take the heat, a few 'crackdowns', and in a few months' time, all will be settled, maybe even forgotten. Bus drivers all over Malaysia will then be able to resume their manic antics on the road, speeding on highways and normal roads, terrorizing smaller vehicles, killing other people.

Until the next major accident, and subsequent big hoo-ha, that is. Then they just repeat the cycle.

Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka! Can you feel the semangat patriotisme coursing through your veins yet?

I've just found out that it costs approximately RM1,800 just to obtain a diving license.

Great. By the time I earn enough money and have enough time to do it, I'd probably be too old to enjoy it.

Sequel to Stress

The silken sea sings to me,

a siren-song to step into the surf.

Seduced by the soft sand sucking my toes,

I shall sink with a smile

into the surging swell,

somewhere safe from the surface-world:

a shelter from sullen skies

and a soulless, singeing sun.

Swathed in sweet saline,

secure from stinging storms,

such sublime submersion!

Do you suppose such a surplus of s-words supplies a strain sickening to sight and sense? Sorry for my silliness. It's a sign of my sanity slipping.

I never was a huge fan of Ferrari. Preferred Jaguars and Porsches...but...look at this baby!!! *drool*

Ferrari 360. You can see the engine at the back!!!

*sigh*

Who Says The Bible Isn't Contradictory?

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.

Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.

~ Proverbs 26:4-5

Yeah, back to back contradictions.

*gasp* How to trust the Bible, then? Doesn't this mean it's not accurate?!

On the contrary, I think that these "contradictions" are actually logical. Theoretically, things can be black and white, but this isn't a cookie-cutter world. People are like snowflakes, each different, each unique (just like every one else, ha ha.) We'd need different ways to reach out to different people.

All these two "contradicting" verses are saying is that, we have to be wise and know what to do in any given situation. Sometimes, it's best to answer, and at other times, it's wisest to keep quiet.

Yeah, God knows what it's about.

Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God. He removed the foreign altars and the high places, smashed the sacred stones and cut down the Asherah poles. He commanded Judah to seek the LORD, the God of their fathers, and to obey his laws and commands. He removed the high places and incense altars in every town in Judah, and the kingdom was at peace under him. - 2 Chronicles 14:2-5

Although he did not remove the high places from Israel, Asa's heart was fully committed to the LORD all his life. - 2 Chronicles 15:17

Asa then took the silver and gold out of the treasuries of the LORD's temple and of his own palace and sent it to Ben-Hadad king of Aram, who was ruling in Damascus. "Let there be a treaty between me and you," he said, "as there was between my father and your father. See, I am sending you silver and gold. Now break your treaty with Baasha king of Israel so he will withdraw from me.".....At that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said to him: "Because you relied on the king of Aram and not on the LORD your God, the army of the king of Aram has escaped from your hand. Were not the Cushites and Libyans a mighty army with great numbers of chariots and horsemen? Yet when you relied on the LORD, he delivered them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war." Asa was angry with the seer because of this; he was so enraged that he put him in prison.....In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the LORD, but only from the physicians. - verses from 2 Chronicles 16

Yes, yes, I know it's a very long passage. But King Asa's life is intriguing.

It serves as a reminder that though we may be fully committed to God, we can still lack faith in Him. And when we lack faith in God, we have to bear the consequences.

I guess what I don't understand is the reason behind King Asa's lack of faith. God has helped him so many times, been with him, and yet...

The best conclusion I can come to, through my own experience, is that we humans have too short a memory. We keep forgetting how awesome God is. There's a mechanism in us which always makes us fear that God will fail to come through for us, and I think this is because of our life experiences with human beings, because everyone around us has failed us at least once, and hurt us many times over.

The thing is to remember that God is not human.

Where's The Line?

And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not. ~ Malachi 3:18

It's ironic, in a very real and very scary way, that those who are "upholding" God's law are actually extremists who deny Him, while those who profess to serve Him are very good at living as if they were not.

As much as I love God, I fail miserably in my walk with Him. Full of good intentions, but only human and easily distracted at that. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak... Every time I succumb to the flesh, I mar my testimony. Even though I have excuses - good intention, moment of weakness, etc - the fact is, I sin and this does nothing to distinguish me from non-Christians.

The boundary lines between Good and Evil aren't that simple anymore, not to non-Christians, and not even to Christians who don't stick closely to God.

I may sound like a raving lunatic foaming at the mouth, spouting paranoid nonsense, fit to be locked in a nice, white padded cell, but the devil has already laid his oh-so-subtle trap. Good is being propagandized as evil. And those who seek to uphold God's law don't do it God's way, through love. They do it the human way, with hatred and ostracism, so that those who are compromising and tolerant are seen as 'good'.

Wolves in sheep's clothing + confused sheep = Dead sheep

Pride & Joy

Hard to believe, but I actually enjoy teaching the pre-schoolers to dance. They're such an eager, enthusiastic bunch, so willing to please.

The feeling of pride surging inside as I watch them dance, knowing their cue and steps perfectly, is indescribable.

I think I'm in love with them! They've managed to do something I never thought could happen - they've made me love kids.

Missing someone is such a craptacular feeling.

You wonder why you allow your defenses to be lowered in the first place, why you stupidly carve out another bit of your heart to make space for that person.

Especially when you're not even sure whether that person cares about you missing him/her, or pretty sure that he/she doesn't give a damn either way.

It's [Not] Happily Ever After

Do you know how much damage sugarized, Disney-fied fairy tales have caused to humanity?

These fairy tales endorse "Love At First Sight" and the principle of "Damsel In Distress", i.e sit tight, look pretty and wait for your prince charming to rescue you.

But what if no one comes to rescue you? What if your rescuer ain't no prince? What if prince charming only falls for you because you're beautiful?

I think the "Love At First Sight" thing is particularly dangerous. Just imagine, little girls all over the world, growing up with dreams of meeting their Prince Charming and giving their hearts away the moment they lay eyes on a gorgeous guy. How dangerous is that?

And growing up believing that Beauty is Everything, that if they're not Beautiful they'd just end up being the Ugly Stepsister with no prince. So that hunger for Beauty is born, to achieve Beauty at all costs. Physical beauty, that is.

So we'll end up with generations of manufactured Barbie-bimbos, of girls with empty spaces where their brains should be, just sitting around looking pretty waiting for someone to rescue them.

Heaven forbid!

How can anyone resist a rubber ducky?

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Tough Week

For the past 3 weeks or so, I've not been sleeping well. Even though I'm exhausted, I can't fall asleep early. And I have to wake up early. Worst of all, I wake up with headaches.

Add teaching kids dancing, physical labour (moving stuff for 3 days), walking up 5 flights of stairs of 64 individual steps, unwanted encounters with construction workers who stare and try to flirt, and unpleasant guards to insufficient sleep and headaches, and you get a crazy week, plus aches in places in your body you didn't even know existed.

Sunday night, I was about ready to die. Before I went to sleep, I thought Oh God I can't take this anymore please just let me have a good night's sleep and wake up rested without headaches...

Today I woke up, refreshed and without headache. My calf and thigh muscles weren't aching either! I felt so happy, and this Bible verse just popped into my head: You do not have, because you do not ask God.

I'm so blessed because even with the tough week I went through, God's grace still abounds.

I never truly valued the feeling of waking up rested, until I knew how it was like to wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep.

Whooo hoooooo!!!

One of the sweetest phrases ever has got to be: Manchester United beat Chelsea.

=)

3 penalties saved in a row!!! Go, Van Der Sar!!! Whooo hoooooo!!!

Such an exciting match, it was. Such a great start.

But guess what? ...I missed it. My cousin's Astro subscription does not include Channel 81.

*gloom*

On a brighter note, the EPL season's here again. Yay!!! =)

The Day I Stopped Fearing Small Spiders

When I was young - ah, a century ago, it doth seem! - I used to be afraid of spiders: those tiny, jumping ones as well as their skinny, thin-legged brethren.

And then...I moved to Penang.

Even then, I was still afraid of spiders in general. Worse, I began to get regular visits from huge, hairy spiders. They popped up everywhere, anytime - bedroom, bathroom, car...

Then came the 22nd of June, 2007. 'Twas a Friday afternoon, and the beginning of the end...a gigantic baby jungle spider came too close for comfort.

Then Saturday night, 23rd of June 2007 - that baby spider's big uncle came for a visit (well, I assume it was an uncle. Might've been a hairy aunt for all I know...) to my room just as I switched off the room lights. I could see its big, ugly silhouette against the white wall in the room. Darn, I thought to myself, I have to deal with this! So I woke my roommate up...

She began hitting at it, or at the wall beneath it anyway. So where did that big, ugly monstrosity go to? Right behind my cupboard, that's where. It didn't go to my roommate's side of the room. Nooo, that would not have been fun for it. It had to torture a poor girl. Guess how much sleep that poor girl got that night? She was thinking that she couldn't take it any longer. She was desperate, cornered.

Sunday, 24th June 2007 - the big ugly monstrosity scuttled out at night, again. She'd been sort of expecting it...an intuition...spider-sense, perhaps? Filled with resolve, she began to move her things away from where she expected the spider to fall. She got a can of insecticide, rolled up her sleeves, and started spraying. It fell onto her desk. She took a roll of wrapping paper and started hitting the area around it in hopes of getting it off her table before squishing it (so it wouldn't make a mess on her table), but her roommate awoke due to the noise. Roommate promptly took over spider-smashing duty, when...

"Aaaah!!! Ada ular!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the maid... (Translation: Aaaah!!! Snake!!!!!!!!!!!)

True enough, there was a black snake in the maid's room, a few feet long but not very thick. A young snake...wrong place, wrong time, wrong species. Its life was cut off, as was its head. Or rather, squashed off. Snake brains all over the place. Meanwhile, the-girl-who-used-to-be-scared-of-spiders was guarding the spider in case it made a mad dash towards the safety of the wall behind her cupboard again.

After her roommate disposed off the snake, she helped the girl get rid of the spider.

Then on Wednesday, 27th June, only the maid and I were at home. I was just getting ready to watch Heroes, when...

"Aaaah!!! Ada ular!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the maid... Déjà vu, and the chance of becoming a hero(ine).

So the maid and I disposed off the snake together. It didn't even look like a snake when we were through with it...

After the experiences, I'm no longer afraid of tiny spiders. I can't say the same for certain about big spiders, though, as I've yet to encounter one after the incidents. As for snakes, well, I'm only afraid of them when I'm not sure if they're poisonous - or sure that they're poisonous. I'm perfectly fine with non-poisonous snakes.

There. That was my tale. Sounds incredible, doesn't it? Even I wouldn't blame you if you disbelieved me, though you would be wrong.

Money Can't Buy Manners

This true story came from a nice, old guard:

After he finished his shift, this guard sat down on one of the benches found in the condominium where he was employed - deployed? - to rest awhile.

A resident of the condo, some hotshot Dato', went up to him and asked him, very snootily and sarcastically, "Is this your usual resting place?"

Well, it might not be the right place for a guard to rest, but come on. It's not as if the guard was on duty or shirking his duty or resting there every chance he had. And the guard was an old man.

Sometimes I just don't get people. Is money a license to be assholic?

Out-of-this-world colors. Terrible-looking, nigh-unidentifiable creatures. What's this, an alien invasion? Or horrifying hallucinations induced by psychedelic drugs?

No, there is a much simpler explanation: a walk in Sungai Wang.

You think I'm exaggerating? Okay, I'll prove it to you with a list of what I saw:

1) A guy with this bizarre hairstyle. His hair was dyed pink, orange and yellow...all at once. It looked like alien chicken feathers.

2) A girl with knee-high studded black boots, short flared skirt and corset-top. And don't forget the requisite bad hairstyle. She looked like some refugee from the world of manga, or an extra from the set of some sci-fi-goth movie gone wrong. Badly wrong. Even Frankenstein would decline to marry this bride. (My cousin's saying it might be a guy.....)

3) A guy with a mohawk, tight sleeveless striped shirt, and equally tight pants. 'Nuff said. *shudder*

4) An old lady with dyed, messy blond hair and a colorful, striped bandanna, wearing a baggy green outfit. To complete the look, she had on huge glasses.

And a whole battalion of others with really horrendous hairstyles and knee-high socks/boots.

If you ever feel that you're dressed really weirdly, fear not! Just head on down to Sungai Wang and presto! you'll be unnoticeable. Boring, even.

I mean, this is taking cosplay to a whole, different, tasteless level. Freedom of artistic expression shouldn't be abused!