Soledad's Sorrow

A cold, gray wind was blowing across the bleak landscape of Desolation.

Soledad stood, drinking in the wind, her eyes filled with shadows of sorrow.

She'd thought that her scars had healed, the scars he had given her, but again - as in so many things - she was wrong.

Fingers itching, she'd peeled open the scabs, curious as to what lay beneath. Soledad reopened her wounds, taking a sick pleasure in watching the blood swell and drip.

A satisfaction filled her as each sting matched her soul-pain. Each cut took her a step closer to Desolation, until she'd found herself there in that cold, gray place where nothing grew and the wind blew ceaselessly.

Her fingernails gouged long, bloody furrows along each inch of her own skin. When there was no bare inch left, she started going deeper, peeling and scooping out flesh.

The pain was immaterial. It did not - could not - compare to soul-pain.

She dug deep enough until her hands were filled with blood and gore up to her elbows, until she could feel her viscera.

Weakening - as if she wasn't weak enough - she kept on gouging.

She touched her scarred heart, felt it beat old and tired. A moment's pause. Soledad mused.

Then, decisively, she took a firm grip on that strange muscle and with a sure, strong movement wrenched it out of herself.

Anger Management

A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man keeps himself under control. - Proverbs 29:11


I thought that lately, I've been better equipped to deal with my anger problems. Apparently not.

I had an interestingly trying day yesterday. Had only a few hours of sleep, woke up early, and had something happen to me which totally lit up my fuse.

Then on my way to the pathetic place which passes as an education institution, I encountered so many vehicles driven by inept beings.

The whole day just kept getting worse, with every situation involving annoying emissaries of the human race.

*sigh*

Of course, with the luxury of hindsight, those 'annoying' incidences weren't very annoying. It was my mood, my internal conditioning, which made me view external circumstances with such irritation.

And it was so tempting to be a fool, to give full vent to my anger. I could feel myself losing control sometimes, teetering on the brink of insane rage...

...wanting to bash someone up...blood boiling and roaring in my ears...

...then the silver cross hanging on my neck touched my skin and I was brought back up to the surface, gasping for sanity.

Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ...

He's working in me, refining me. But it's a lifelong process. I can't wait for the day when I can declare that I'm 100% anger-free!

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

I may not be sinless, but I'm learning to be more Christlike every single day. Thank God for His mercy and grace!

Reunions

I'm so not looking forward to CNY, due to the numerous busybodies crawling out of the woodwork and all over wherever you go. Freakin' annoying.

These KPCs will come up to you and discuss among themselves your life, how you look, snickering like witches high on some evil brew. They talk like you're a piece of meat they're looking to buy, licking lips anticipatorily with an unholy gleam in their beady eyes.

They ask stupid, insulting questions. They demean you. All under the guise of being nice. Nice my ass. Damn poking their noses into places where noses don't belong, more like. Get a whiff of some scent and they're all over you like a pack of hounds. Arf arf.

Like I said, annoying.

I have this whole arsenal of sarcastic replies ready. Unfortunately, I can't use them because there's always my parents to think of. Have to uphold their 'water face'. Worst job in the world.

I just have to grin and bear it, try not to choke.

Well, bite me then, you witches. Cook me for your stew. Chew on me. I'll give you the damnedest case of indigestion and diarrhoea you ever had. I'll leave a bad taste on your warty tongues, you witches. You'll be sorry you ever messed with me!

Like a friend wrote -

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. - Source Unknown.

lovebugs lurk

lovebugs lurk

in my tummy

hurrying and scurrying

along my insides

living off images of you.

but then the moon rose.

you watched the stars.

the bugs

skedaddle

straight to my heart

(lovebugs no more)

and bite bitchily

at my organs,

gnawing music.

bloody critters.

Higher Math

Human beings are funny creatures - we always equate giving with losing out. The concept of kiasuism is alive and well. There's no sharing, because sharing means losing.

Funny. But no one's laughing. Except maybe Satan. Scratch that. Definitely Satan and his band of evil scum. They're laughing so hard at the huge scam they've managed to fool us humans with - selfishness, the fear of losing. Especially materially. In fact, this type of fear is intertwined inseparably with the worship of the "god" Money.

We're afraid that by giving out cash, we don't have enough for ourselves. I got this in an email, and I think it's a pretty good statement : It's funny how 20 dollars/ringgit/whatever currency you're dealing with seems like such a huge amount when it comes to giving an offering to God, but so little when you're shopping.

And let's face it. The things we shop for are hardly essentials most of the time. We're just indulging ourselves. Pure selfishness.

God says :

"Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me.
"But you ask, 'How do we rob you?'
"In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit," says the LORD Almighty. "Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land," says the LORD Almighty. - Malachi 3:8-12

He has a different kinda view on giving. In the first place, what we have is from Him anyway. It's not ours. So we're not even giving to God out of our own pockets. We can't 'give' to someone something which that person owns, can we? He has a right to demand it from us, to take it all away from us, and we have no right to complain. When God puts us through a financial drought, we grumble. Yet, it's His to give and to take back. We don't deserve much if we don't give much.

Second point - there's a higher math involved when it comes to giving to God. Instead of being left with less, givers often find themselves blessed with so much more. The 'floodgates of heaven' will be opened...there will be an abundance, so much so that we won't have room enough to store what God gives.

People want to make money. They think that by hoarding, they'll save up and earn more. By being selfish, you win.

God's just shaking His head in dismay at these people. The devil's happy as hell.

Truth is, by giving to God, you won't lose. You'll receive so much more. You'll be blessed to be a blessing.

God said so Himself, and He doesn't lie.

So let's start giving to God, build His kingdom, share what we have with those who need food or shelter, instead of say, a new 3G cellphone. See if God doesn't give you twice as much - and more - in return!

And it'd be so fun to wipe the smirks of those demons' visages.

Nosebleed

If there's one thing I despise more than (public) nose-diggers, it's nosebleeds. Specifically, my own.

For two consecutive mornings now, my (literally) bloody nose has, well, bled. Copiously! You think I'm exaggerating? Yesterday it bled for half an hour, and not once did the flow slow.

The annoying thing about nosebleeds is that you can't do anything except tilt your head back. Being in that position limits one's options mightily, so I was stuck staring at the ceiling.

I've had them for as long as I could remember. But they're getting less frequent, thank God for that tiny mercy.

If you ever see me with my nose up in the air, doesn't mean I'm snobby. Just means that I haven't got a bloody tissue with me.

Rethinking My Femininity

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

That's the essence of a woman - the inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit.

And I? I was anything but gentle and quiet! My motto B.C (Before Christ), which I clung to fiercely, was "Don't give a $h!t", especially about what others think. They could go and stick it up their @$$es for all I cared. My nickname, and a favorite one, was PsychoBitch. (She's not totally dead yet; at certain times she lurks beneath the surface waiting to pounce. I'm working on that.) My relationship with the outside world could be summed up with the maxim "I'm not f***ed up, everything else is!"

I was angry and rebellious. Proud. Satan's prisoner.

Who needed men? Submit to men? Yeah, right! No freakin' way! I am perfectly capable of living without them, and I definitely won't submit. I am master of my own life, to hell with others.

Yea. I was that bad.

I think that it was this abhorrence towards submission that made me despise all things feminine, because being a girl meant I was weaker, less. (I still hate pink)

And now? I'm learning. God's Spirit is at work within me. I'm rethinking my femininity, what it means to be a woman of God. I'm learning to submit, to cultivate that 'gentle and quiet' spirit.

I am able to do this because in Christ, I've found that submission does not equal weakness. That you can be gentle and strong at the same time - that these are not contradictory. That I love Jesus, and to love Him is to submit to Him - the very essence of Christianity.

I've found strength in Christ where I was weak - His grace is sufficient for me, His power made perfect in weakness. And I am willing to do anything to glorify His name.

I was created in God's image, and He loves me. Secure in this knowledge, my old definition of 'weakness' seemed so insignificant, so stupid. What I thought made me strong, actually only made me foolish. It made me ugly in God's eyes, and that bit of knowledge cut deeper than any hurt I'd ever endured.

I want to be beautiful for God.

But I know it will be a long time before I can learn to be quiet...

Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. ~ Psalm 84:5

I've been asking God to mold me, break me, to perfect me until I am a vessel fit for His service. To 'remove my heart of stone' and 'all the idols' from my heart. I had my heart dead set on the 'pilgrimage'.

God answered by taking away something precious to me, something I didn't even know was precious to me. Or at least, I did not realize the extent of the hold it had on my heart.

This matter had, unbeknownst to me, insidiously dug a stronghold for itself. A tiny stronghold, maybe, but a stronghold nonetheless. I'd unconsciously let it take over my thoughts. It grew, fed by memories and words and dreams.

In retrospect, this matter has managed to set itself up as an 'idol' in my life - I was obsessing over it so. So when I prayed that God would purify and refine me, I really had no idea what I was in for.

When God, in a single, swift, decisive stroke, took it away from me, I was devastated. I wept, I sobbed. I felt like my insides had been scrambled and pulled out. I was empty inside.

I felt so dead. I wanted to open my car door and just fall out into the path of an oncoming lorry. I wanted to drive full speed into a wall or the sea.

But 'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise ~ Psalm 51'

So I wept aloud at God's feet. I laid my sorrows at His feet. I surrendered all the turbulent emotions to Him, trusting that He knows best. I opened my Bible. And there was God's reply.

'Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. - Psalm 27:14'

I waited on Him. The promises of God never fail. He strengthened my heart.

I prayed 'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. ~ Psalm 51'

And what do you know - I was healed that very night itself! I felt such indescribable joy, such amazing grace. I was awed by His majesty and the vastness of His plan, of which I knew but a little. God restored to me the joy of His salvation, and it was so sweet.

I was so grateful and thankful that I was a part of His plan, that God had chosen me to be His daughter, that I was worthy of suffering. In fact, I felt as if I had not suffered enough, so trifle and unimportant was that 'idol' my heart had harbored.

I was filled with joy. In the end, I am so glad that I've been purified. God has sifted my heart, and the idol is no longer there. I am fitter now for His service, to be His servant, than I was 2 days ago.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:5-8

Praise the Lord, O my soul! All my inmost being, praise His holy name! Praise the Lord, all His work, everywhere in His dominion!

All glory be to Him.

Soledad Bled

He smiled, and there was a sharp razor slicing open her skin. Soledad winced.

Each friendly word preceded a sharp punch straight to her solar plexus. He had a painful accuracy, damn him.

He smiled again, kindly, mischievously. The razor slid a little deeper, cut a little sharper, carving out a tattoo; and inch of skin, a pound of flesh.

Soledad bled.

Still he smiled, seemingly impervious to her wounds. Cracked a joke.

'The joke's on me...' she thought.

Her insides were ripped apart. Viscera spilled out, raw and red. Soledad gasped.

'How will I survive...?'

And then, finally, silence from him.

This time, her heart was rent from her breast viciously, scrambled like crushed eggs.

Soledad tasted bile on her tongue and faded into numb, hollow unconsciousness.

'I wish that he had really cut me...'

Physical death would have been so much easier to endure.

Wolves In The Wall!!!

I absolutely love Neil Gaiman. And guess what?!

Cran gave me 'Wolves In The Wall' by Neil Gaiman for my birthday! So there I was, sitting there, and Cran goes "Open your present."

Okay, I thought. I pulled out the book. Very thrilled.

Opened the cover, saw a "For Aiching. Happy Birthday" and a signature at the bottom.

How sweet of Cran.

And then Cran says "Look at the signature. Whose is it?"

"Yours?"

"No! Neil's!!!"

"Aaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! CRAN!!!!! THANX!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!"

And now, I actually have Neil Gaiman's NOTE AND SIGNATURE on my book!!! HE ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE BOOK!!!

*thud* (faints)

Thanx Cran! Love ya lots!!! One of the best prezzies EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe you met him!!! *goes green with envy*

Sonnet for J

Of what worth is love, if love can be bought?

It be not sold, nor bid, for any price,

can only be offered; a sacrifice

to love unloved - else love counteth for naught.

Conditional love hath not purity,

be called not love, if it thus be sullied;

an inferior shadow, pale and palsied -

hath lost all its meaning and its beauty.

But this, mine love for thee is free and pure

and true. Loving thee for thy sake alone;

not bought by gold, silver, nor precious stone,

untainted by selfish gain; would endure

sorrow 'til time's end if that be my lot,

would cease not to love, though thou lovest not.

Chain mails

You know how those go.

They usually begin with a sob story: This happened to my aunty's friend's grandmother's friend's niece's sister-in-law!!! Mrs. X (X as in non-eXistent?) was on her way home from the market when a whole bunch of cats, attracted by the scent of ikan kembung which she bought for her dinner, started attacking her. As a result, she lost the ability to walk normally ever again (besides her dinner). What's more, she now smells permanently of fish and has developed a rational phobia towards feline creatures. THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!!!! Help forward this email to everyone in your address book, and Mrs. X will get 10 cents from each forwarded mail to help her buy deodorant and a home in a cat-free country!!! Every cent counts!!! If you don't do this in 10 minutes, you will permanently smell of fish.

Or, another favorite: DON'T DELETE! This is a SPECIAL mail! Anyone who forwards this will have GOOD LUCK in life!
*Mr.Y. U. Sodum was homeless and jobless. He forwarded this mail (though how he managed to check his email account, being jobless, I can't imagine...) and in the next hour a man in a limousine stopped him and told Mr.Sodum that he was his long-lost father. Now Mr.Sodum is a millionaire!!!
*Miss Dess Prate has a crush on a handsome man who never notices her. One day she got his email address from a friend of a friend of a friend, and went online to send him a 'I'm your Secret Admirer' email, when she saw this mail in her inbox, and forwarded it to everyone in her address book in 5 minutes. Before she could email her crush, there was a mail from him proposing to her!!! They now live happily ever after.
If you don't forward this in 10 minutes, you will have BAD LUCK for the rest of your life! You will never get a date!!! And your boss will fire you!!! Or you will break your leg. And someone you love will DIE! This is true!!!
If you send this to 5 people, you will receive a sudden windfall. If you send this to 15 people, your crush will call you! If you send this to a 100 people, your crush will ask you to marry him, and win a million dollars!!!

Yeah. Those mails. As annoying as people who spit in public. But the thing which never fails to amaze me is the fact that I still get all this crap in my inbox!!! There are people who still believe that by forwarding mails, a little starving girl in some poor country is gonna get a bowl of rice. Hell-o???! Wake up!

The girl doesn't exist. You won't win money - or anything else - by forwarding all these emails. You're more likely to lose your friends. And your crush won't call you/ask you out/marry you just because of some stupid fake mail dreamt up by some idiot. In fact, you'll probably scare him off if he's on your mailing list.

The people who start chain mails deserve to be attacked by cats and smell of fish forever.

Deferment

I've been meaning to write about this incident but I kept delaying, kept deferring.

Sin Yee wanted to know about hotel rates in Langkawi, so I messaged a family friend in Langkawi, Uncle Morgan, who's in the tourist business. A few minutes later, he replied:

morgan is dead. he passed away a few months ago.

Very funny, I thought. Uncle Morgan always loves to tease me.

So I called up his number - which is actually one of the company's mobile phone numbers given to employees - and a Malay lady answered. I assumed it was his wife, whom I'd met only once. I asked to speak to Uncle Morgan.

She asked me, "Didn't you get my SMS just now?"(sic).

"Yes,I did..." A sick feeling developed in my stomach.

He was really gone, dead, and I didn't even know about it until a few months later. I was too busy with my life to keep in touch with him.

The disbelief and guilt rendered me numb for awhile.

He was unsaved.

How many more people am I going to lose because I'm too busy with my life to spend time with them? How many more loved ones will be gone without me realizing it, or without me spending time with them, just because I fatally assume they'll always be there?

It's okay, I tell myself. I'm busy now. But I'll call them up when I'm free.

But I'll never be free, because there are always a million things to be done. I have to learn to fit them in my life now, or else I'll never have time for them.

I've learnt this lesson the hard way - never wait until tomorrow to spend time with the people you love. They might be gone by then. Cherish life, love people.

Uncle Morgan and I shared the same birth date...

Words

Words are such interesting pieces. They have the power to build and to destroy. Most often, words tumble out thoughtlessly from tongues, a leaky faucet.

We say things we don't mean. People promise things, say things, but they just pay lip service. No matter how powerful words are, they are still powerless if unaccompanied by action.

Someone can tell you that she loves you, that you're her best friend, that she cares...and yet she can devote so much energy to her boyfriend and leave you out cold.

Someone can declare his unending love for you, heroically say that you are more important than anything else in the world including money...and yet be unwilling to call you because the call-rate is too high.

Someone can say nothing about loving you...and yet is always there for you.

Think about this. Watch your tongue. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Sonnet of Sonnets #5

0 my heart's heart, and you who are to me
More than myself myself, God be with you,
Keep you in strong obedience leal* and true
To Him whose noble service setteth free,
Give you all good we see or can foresee,
Make your joys many and your sorrows few,
Bless you in what you bear and what you do,
Yea, perfect you as He would have you be.
So much for you; but what for me, dear friend?
To love you without stint and all I can
Today, tomorrow, world without an end;
To love you much and yet to love you more,
As Jordan at his flood sweeps either shore;
Since woman is the helpmeet made for man.

~Christina Rossetti

*leal means loyal

Musclebound

I don't think I'll ever figure out (most) men's obsession with muscles.

Why are they fascinated with big biceps and tremendous triceps? Enamoured of huge deltoids? Think the world of 41-inch chests?

To all that, I have only one word in reply - Ewww!

Honestly, I don't understand why they think all that ugly bulkiness is attractive to women. Newsflash - it's not. At least, not to the females I know.

It's just disgusting. The popping veins remind me of worms, and playing with your muscles just reeks of vanity - a huge Eww-factor.

Of course, this doesn't mean that skinny guys look nice. They don't. There should be a balance. Rangy, compact, muscular but lean.

Definitely not bodybuilder-bulky!!!

Satan Dancing

I can just see the devil's smirk when families start breaking up, and I hate it so much.

The frequency of spouses fighting and hating, of children being sullen and rebellious, is on the rise. It's enough to make you lose faith in the institution called 'family'.

Affairs are as common as oxygen, and the guilty parties believe they need it as they need the latter, too. After a few years, people start getting bored with their partners, wanting something new, some excitement to spice up their lives. Parents neglect their kids.

Children, too, grow up faster than they should. They are mostly spoilt brats, complaining about how much they don't have, when food is abundant on the table. They go against their parents, insult them, use harsh words, fight with the people who fed them and brought them up because of some girl/boy-friend.

It's sad. I can imagine Satan prancing around, chuckling and smirking.

I feel like smashing his face.

In this fallen world, we forget the importance of a family. A family is our safety net, our earthly refuge. It's where we learn to love.

But even the word 'love' is corrupted nowadays.

2006 - A New Me?

Nah, not a 'new' me. More like an upgraded version. Can't be really 'new', which means I must be old. *sigh* Gotta start hanging out with older people, man.

Anyway, I digress.

Improvements - how?

Thanx to invaluable feedback on a 'poll' of sorts, I've made new resolutions for 2006! Well, not all are new. Some are recycled.

Like, *study hard*. That's an old one. Always on the list, never gets done. Oh well.

This year, I resolve to 'take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ'! I'm going to root out, with God's help, the last vestiges of my anger and impatience! I will stop gossiping! I will intercede for at least half an hour a day. I want to finish studying the Bible this year.

And I'm going to learn basic Greek! Or learn to read and write it anyway. Maybe some Spanish later on, assuming I have the resources to do so. I will polish up my writing skills.

I'm going to sacrifice my best to Christ. I WILL be transformed daily to be more and more like Christ.

Of course, those are only from the Personal Achievement Department.

The Human Relations Department has thrown up some challenging ones for this year. I have to love people more, feel for them the way Jesus feels for us. I want to be a better friend. And I must move out of my comfort zone - I want to be friends with more people.

Tough job, this. Equally as tough as studying hard!

Take captive every thought... and emotion and action as well! Make myself completely obedient to Christ.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain... Lord, help me.

God's Promise

Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth - Genesis 9:16

Yesterday morning, I was reading the book of Genesis, chapters 9 till 11. The part where God covenanted with Noah and all mankind, sealing His promise with a rainbow, really got to me and I pondered upon it.

A thought struck me, that if I were to see a rainbow that day, it would be a sign of God's promise that He is real; that He is a loving and gracious God, not some impersonal, cold deity; that His personal promises to me will be fulfilled.

I forgot all about this thought.

However, after the CF meeting, we went to the McDonald's outlet at Sunrise Tower along Gurney Drive. Hock Chai suddenly pointed out a rainbow - and I recalled the thought I had earlier in the day!

Joy, Sin Yee, Amanda and I ran out to see this wonderful sight. We actually saw it forming! It was so exquisite, the rainbow slowly forming, from half an arc on our left until it spread and intensified in color to our right, finally a complete arc with the colors showing clearly.

Perfect.

It stayed there for quite awhile. I think Joy and I were the nuttiest ones. Passers-by must've thought we were nuts. But who cares what they think?

I didn't leave until it remained a faint splash of color against the sky.

It was so beautiful!!!

God is so wondrous, so amazing, so awesome - and He loves me! His promises are real.

Of course, when I went back in to finish my food, I found half of my fries gone - thanx to the collective efforts of Hock Chai, Jia Yit, Yisrael and Ee Moon!!!