Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. ~ Psalm 84:5

I've been asking God to mold me, break me, to perfect me until I am a vessel fit for His service. To 'remove my heart of stone' and 'all the idols' from my heart. I had my heart dead set on the 'pilgrimage'.

God answered by taking away something precious to me, something I didn't even know was precious to me. Or at least, I did not realize the extent of the hold it had on my heart.

This matter had, unbeknownst to me, insidiously dug a stronghold for itself. A tiny stronghold, maybe, but a stronghold nonetheless. I'd unconsciously let it take over my thoughts. It grew, fed by memories and words and dreams.

In retrospect, this matter has managed to set itself up as an 'idol' in my life - I was obsessing over it so. So when I prayed that God would purify and refine me, I really had no idea what I was in for.

When God, in a single, swift, decisive stroke, took it away from me, I was devastated. I wept, I sobbed. I felt like my insides had been scrambled and pulled out. I was empty inside.

I felt so dead. I wanted to open my car door and just fall out into the path of an oncoming lorry. I wanted to drive full speed into a wall or the sea.

But 'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise ~ Psalm 51'

So I wept aloud at God's feet. I laid my sorrows at His feet. I surrendered all the turbulent emotions to Him, trusting that He knows best. I opened my Bible. And there was God's reply.

'Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. - Psalm 27:14'

I waited on Him. The promises of God never fail. He strengthened my heart.

I prayed 'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. ~ Psalm 51'

And what do you know - I was healed that very night itself! I felt such indescribable joy, such amazing grace. I was awed by His majesty and the vastness of His plan, of which I knew but a little. God restored to me the joy of His salvation, and it was so sweet.

I was so grateful and thankful that I was a part of His plan, that God had chosen me to be His daughter, that I was worthy of suffering. In fact, I felt as if I had not suffered enough, so trifle and unimportant was that 'idol' my heart had harbored.

I was filled with joy. In the end, I am so glad that I've been purified. God has sifted my heart, and the idol is no longer there. I am fitter now for His service, to be His servant, than I was 2 days ago.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:5-8

Praise the Lord, O my soul! All my inmost being, praise His holy name! Praise the Lord, all His work, everywhere in His dominion!

All glory be to Him.