Regression

I've been a bad, bad girl, doing things I know I shouldn't, saying words thoughtlessly, giving in to the Dark Side.

It's such a terrible thing, this slump - a deep dark pit I thought was successfully covered, filled with monsters I thought I'd slain. Walls so slimy, sticky like poisonous molasses, my hands and feet sinking in each time I try to climb out, so that I am deeper entangled the more I struggle.

It's so tempting to give in, to let go of all inhibition, to fall. Give in fully to my emotions, embrace the walls, let them cover me, fall into the pit.

So easy to be angry, so easy to spit acid and vitriol each time I part my lips to speak. So easy to wound others, to fight back tooth and claw those who hurt me.

So easy, sometimes, to forget that Calvary love, the Place of the Skull.

Help me remember, O Lord.

Help me love.

Regret

Mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them, so sang Silverchair.

Really? I beg to differ.

I think regret is a wasted emotion, quite pointless. Regret only makes you stupid; it's a shackle which chains you to the past, rendering you unable to look to the future.

Regret weighs you down, holds you back, burdens you with unnecessary emotions and drains energy which would be so much better spent elsewhere.

Have I regretted? You bet. I regret that I've regretted my mistakes. I regret that I spent so much time regretting, when I could have used all that effort to look forward instead.

What has passed, has passed. You can't change a thing by your regret.

What you can do, however, is to learn from mistakes. Learn not to make the same mistakes, learn not to stumble at familiar pathways.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

Humbled

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that is the essence of inhumanity - George Bernard Shaw.

I am humbled.

All this while, I've been trying to be a good Christian that I've managed to miss the most important point of being a Christian - LOVE.

I think I love, because I don't hate. But the absence of love is hate - indifference is hate. Like in the parable of the good Samaritan - the priest and the Levite both did not 'hate' the man lying by the road, in the sense that they did not further injure him. But by their very inaction, they showed that they did not love their neighbor.

The Samaritan, on the other hand, made sure the man was cared for - he showed love for his neighbor.

Even Jesus Himself taught us to 'Do unto others...' The keyword here is DO. Not only are we asked to refrain from hurting others, we are also called to actively help others.

It came as a shock to me to realize that I'd been hating so many people in my life.

I read about Mahatma Gandhi, who absorbed Christian principles in his cause against the British through passive resistance. When the police started hitting demonstators, through his example, they lined up to receive the blows. He simply refused to react violently to violence.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also ~ Luke 6:29. Not many Christians I know would do that. I don't think that even I would!

He said that there were causes he would die for, but never one which he would kill for.

It shames me that a non-Christian could effectively live out Jesus' principle of love and forgiveness, while I could not, while I still hated - by my active despise towards rapists or by my indifference towards so many people.

Recently, Joy and Amanda mentioned a true story in which a little girl repeatedly told her rapist tearfully that 'Jesus loves you', even through the whole horrendous experience. He killed her - but his conscience tortures him to no end.

Would I have the grace to forgive him if I were in her position?

There is still so much in me that hates, so much that doesn't care. I am so far from being what God wants me to be. I am so selfish, so arrogant, so self-righteous, so sickening, and yet God still loves me.

I am humbled.

Dressing Up

Why don't I dress up? Why don't I wear dresses? Why don't I bother to look pretty?

I ask, in return, why should I care?

I don't 'dress up' or wear dresses because, first and foremost, it restricts my movements. I value mobility highly, and wearing a dress limits that. I'd have to walk slower, and I am so not into 'slow, ponderous' walks. I walk fast. End of.

Second reason, equally important. Dresses are so impractical. Most clothes which are designed to look good lack practicality. There are no pockets whatsoever. How do people survive without pockets? I do not like to carry handbags or purses or whatever they're called. With all the snatch thieves around, it's stupid. And pointless, if you have pockets. What does a girl need besides ID, money, cellphone and car keys? These fit easily into jeans pockets. So who needs silly bags? Extra baggage, extra hassle.

This is also the reason I very very rarely wear high heels. Yea, I'm short, I could use the extra height - but to the extent of sacrificing my mobility? No, thanx. I'd rather be short and have good footing than not-so-much-taller and stumbling.

You think I'm paranoid? Oh, wait. Wrong question. You think I care that you think I'm paranoid?

Then there are some well-meaning but annoying people - especially aunts (women really talk too much. Don't mean to betray womankind, but they make it so hard sometimes! I hope I won't be like them) - who come up to me and tactlessly suggest that I'd look halfway decent if I dressed up, that I should dress up to look pretty.

I just stare at them. Why? Why should I want to look pretty? At the cost of comfort, at that. What's the whole point of looking pretty? I'm presentable most of the time, and relatively neat. Isn't that enough? I don't see why I should go the extra, uncomfortable mile.

Oh, but these people grin slyly and say that I'd raise my chances of getting - can you believe it? *gasp* - a boyfriend!!!

A boyfriend. I should dress up uncomfortably and wear more high heels and skirts to look more feminine so I'd be prettier and get to carry handbags - but can't run or walk fast and be the last one out in any emergency - so I can get a boyfriend?

How ridiculous is this? Stupid question. The degree of ridiculousness is off the charts!

Why should I focus on looking pretty to get a boyfriend in the first place? Why should I sacrifice comfort? I certainly wouldn't even consider any guy who is attracted to me just because I look good.

The whole looking-pretty-to-get-boyfriend thing is just an exercise in stupidity. There are so many other worthwhile things I can be doing instead of worrying about how I look.

It's the same reason I don't wear make-up unless circumstances force me to. I can't breathe!

Fighting for women's rights and all that for all these years, just to enslave ourselves again to society's skewed standards of beauty? To happily shackle ourselves with notions that finding a husband is the main goal of our lives?

No thanks. Not for me, anyway.

Guard Your Heart

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. - Proverbs 4:23

Guard my heart. What does it mean? How do I guard it? It's impossible! Right?

Wrong.

It's not impossible, it's just very very very hard to do. In fact, most people aren't willing to, and they use that unwillingness as a poor excuse for impossibility.

This 'guarding the heart' issue usually concerns relationships with other human beings. It's so easy to hate and to love, to remember forever an insult or a smile. It makes people so much harder to forgive and to forget, all because of our heart.

Small muscle, strange muscle, dangerous muscle. It's the reason we do certain things and then justify our actions. It helps us dream up excuses. If not disciplined, it is likely to run wild,cause havoc.

So how do we guard our hearts?

First, of course, you must recognize the need to. Ascertain who your enemy is. If you spend enough time in the Father's presence, you'll learn to discern which thoughts and desires are not from Him. If doubts still assail, pray some more. Talk it over with a spiritually-mature Christian friend.

Once identified, you have to put your mind through a rigid disciplinary exercise. Every time thoughts come which feed the wrong desires, reject and rebuke them in the mighty, wonderful, glorious name of Jesus. 'Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ'!

If you feel that you can't do it, ask God to give you the strength - He is the source of our strength and salvation, after all. Ask God to have mercy on you, and to plant His desires in your heart.

I think, above all, the most important thing is to have a strong relationship with Jesus. The more you love Him, the closer you walk with Him, the more you will desire to obey Him. Our dear Shepherd's voice will be clearer and louder too! You'll learn to recognize it.

Then the worldly desires will melt away like mist, and you'll find that 'guarding your heart' isn't that hard after all, once you've given it to Jesus.

Because He's watching over us. We are the apple of His eye; He guards us in the shadow of His wings - Psalm 17:8

Man of God?

Pastor Marcus was stressing on the importance of living our lives based on the Word of God. How every step we take, each action, each desicion, must be guided by God's Word.

He then added that women should pray for godly men modeled after Biblical characters - after all, there were so many personalities to choose from! The congregation laughed, but he was not jesting.

I got to thinking about that. If I were to pray for a husband, whom would I want him to be like?

The first answer which sprang to mind was Paul, without a doubt. BUT...therein lies a problem. The very quality which draws me to Paul is the same one which made him choose a life of celibacy. He is, after all, the very one who said "It is good for a man not to marry...I wish that all men were as I am."

I admire his devotion to God, and the fact that he wants nothing else to distract him from fully living for God. I want a husband like that. But this can mean that 'marriage' is a distraction.

Ironic, ain't it?

Oh well. There's always Joshua and Daniel.

I love Daniel's boldness and faith in God, willing to stand firm in the face of adversity, not compromising his faith. Joshua's holy fear of God, his dependence on and trust in God, walking by faith wherever God led.

And King David. Mustn't forget him. Although in my opinion he had a few wives too many...

Male Chauvinist Assholes

Jurisprudence class, topic: Feminism.

Interesting. What was especially significant, though, was the number of chauvinistic remarks made by certain male participants of the discussion.

Touching on the issue of trophy wives, one guy said it was entirely the woman's fault.

Hell-o???!

Granted, the woman has no dignity - she sold it in return for the lifestyle. BUT to say that this 'culture' is wholly the fault of the woman? Now that's just plain assholic.

Why not blame the man, who actually needs a younger woman to boost his self-esteem? That's just pathetic, but no one's saying anything, as if he has a right to do so.

As long as there are assholic jerks out there who think like this, that women are to blame for everything, that women 'deserve' everything they get, well, this world is headed for a massive screw-up.

Oh, wait. It already is screwed-up.

Well, to all assholic male chauvinists out there, I salute you...with the one-fingered salute, that is. In case you're still not sure which digit I'm referring to, it's the longest finger.

Pink

It's Valentine's Day. Whoopee (note degree of enthusiasm, symbolized by number of exclamation marks).

And the tide of overcommercialism and crass sentimentality also brings with it another horror - that of people in pink. (Sin Yee blogged about this at www.hersheys0708.blogspot.com, and I agree with her)

Girls wearing pink are already enough to induce goosebumps, but guys wearing pink is Just. So. Wrong.

It's evil. It really is!!!

*DISCLAIMER:This writer does not hate people who wear pink, merely the color itself. If you meet the writer and she cringes away from you, check if you have any pink item on you - that's probably the reason. She does not hate you. If you do not find any pink items on your person, well...

If I Ruled The World...

...rapists would be castrated. But before castration, they would be buried neck-deep beside an ant hill, their manhood coated with honey and sugar*. Then the rape victim would have the honor of chopping the organ off, and feeding it to the rapist.

*Of course, this is just one of many pre-castration treatments - or PCT. Another version of PCT would be to tie the rapist up, naked, and lightly cut his skin in the region of the groin. Then add rats for fun, a la The Bone Collector. The only thing I'm worried about is that the rapist wouldn't be able to survive the rats long enough for his male organ to be cut off and fed to him.

If anyone has any other bright, painful suggestions, feel free to comment.

Love? A Feeling? Something?

Love. Such an overused term, thrown about thoughtlessly, peppered in speeches lightly as if it means nothing, an unfortunate misnomer for what people "feel". And then, a few years down the road, none of the people who uttered fervent 'I love you's to each other are together anymore.

Is love valued so cheaply now? Where is its sanctity?

It offends the very essence of 'love' if love were to be described as what you feel. Feelings cannot be trusted entirely. Besides, it is easily confused with infatuation, or - even worse! - lust.

*I love you, I can't live without you...!!! - that's more like a pathetic dependency/obsession.

*I love him/her, I can't stop thinking of him/her!!! - that's an infatuation. A real bad one. But not love.

When you feel like you can't live, can't eat, because of that person (whether s/he leaves you or is geographically/emotionally distant from you or whatever screwed-up scenario you're in), it's DEFINITELY NOT LOVE. It just proves that you're deeply infatuated with, and have developed an unhealthy emotional dependence on, that person, i.e you're screwed up. Psychologically speaking, it might also mean that you want what you can't/don't have - typical human behavior.

All that crap about not being able to live without him/her? Pure nonsense. After all, what were you doing your whole life before you met that person?

People who feel that they are unable to continue living without their special one, or other half, or whatever term is used, are unfit to love. They aren't even 'loving' in the first place, they're just looking for an ideal, a peg to hang their dreams on. And that's not true love. You can't 'love' others when you're insecure, when you haven't even learnt to love yourself.

Au contraire, you can only love others when you've truly learnt to love yourself, and perhaps even to forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings.

Love is not a feeling. Love is a conscious choice you make; certainly, there are feelings involved, but these feelings alone do not define what love is. Love is also a commitment, it's something you choose to do even when the other person hurts you. It is shown through actions - doing something for someone even if you really don't feel like it, because you know it will make that person happy.

Love is sacrificing a part of yourself for the other person's benefit. So how can incomplete people - people who aren't whole, people who don't love themselves - sacrifice for others?

Pride

I am so full of pride. And the scariest thing is that I don't even realize it!

I keep on saying that I want to live for Christ, but there are times when the things I do are motivated by purely selfish reasons. I want to sleep, because I'm tired. I want time to myself. I don't want to do this because I don't feel like it. I'm angry because I've been wronged - and I conveniently forget that I've wronged God so many times, yet He still forgives me.

I'm not living wholly for Him. There are still bits of me crawling off the altar. All I think of subconsciously is me, me, and me. The great god 'I' at work.

Forgive me, Lord. Help me live wholly for You!

Fully Consecrated

The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." - Matthew 19:10-11

But those who are considered worthy of taking part in that age and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage... - Luke 20:35

The context in Luke 20:35 was that men weren't going to be married after the resurrection. The verses before and after verify that Jesus didn't mean those who married aren't considered worthy of taking part in the resurrection.

But taken by itself, this verse jumped out at me. So did Matthew 19:10-11. 'Not everyone can accept this word...'

The question is, had God given me the word?

A month or so ago, Joy spoke of singlehood, and there was a weird echoing in my soul, like resonance of some music in a higher frequency, too high for human ears to hear.

Am I called by God to be single? The Scriptures seemed to speak to me. The events in my life certainly point to singlehood for now.

But for ever and always?

I am willing, if it is God's will. It will be a tough road for sure, but anywhere God leads is beautiful and my soul will be content.

Am I one of those to whom the word has been given?

A Round Loaf Of Barley Bread

"I had a dream," he was saying. "A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed." - Judges 7:13

Gideon had 32 000 men at arms. God told him to release all those who feared - 22 000 went home, leaving 10 000 men. Still too many. God did not want the Israelites to boast that their victory was earned through their army's might. It was God, and God alone, who would provide the victory.
He told Gideon to separate the men by the way they drank water. Finally, Gideon was left with 300 men. Working through this small band, God gave victory over the Midianites! They were indeed like a loaf of barley bread, hitting the Midianite tent with such force.

This phrase - Remember Gideon - rang in my head. I was quite disheartened and worried about the CF's lifespan, because many of us are leaving and graduating, and there aren't even that many to begin with. And God just told me to Remember Gideon.

So I flipped my Bible open, and there was that beautiful story of what God can do with a willing heart. That beautiful dream of the round loaf of barley bread - valued so cheaply by all, yet used by God so mightily.

Henry Varley said "The world has yet to see what God will do with a man fully consecrated to Him."
D.L Moody, hearing those words, later wrote this about it: "A man! Varley meant any man. Varley didn't say he had to be educated or brilliant, or anything else. Just a man. Well, by the Holy Spirit in me, I'll be that man."

Well, by the Holy Spirit in me, I'll be that woman! Amen. After all, I've already fulfilled the 'round' part of the loaf of barley bread...

Fireworks

Every year, there's bound to be an article or so for each festival, about some kid being injured by fireworks. Pictures of parents sobbing, and the pathetic-looking victim lying down with a pitiful expression.

Know what I think? I think they deserve what they get. Can't they get it into their thick heads that fireworks are banned for a reason?!

Of course, passers-by who happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time don't deserve the injury. But those who voluntarily, gladly, joyfully play with all these things do. Those who buy and sell fireworks, they deserve every little burn and wound.

My poor dog Snowy (NO, I did not name her!) was shivering with fear the whole time those annoying health hazards were going off. I had to stay with her to calm her down.

So if you play with fireworks and get wounded, don't come running to me for sympathy. I'd gladly injure you some more.

Betrayal

Everyone, I suppose, has betrayed and been betrayed in one way or another during this brief stay on planet Earth. Betrayal is universal, unavoidable, expected.

This doesn't stop it from hurting the second, fifth, thousandth time around. Especially if the traitor is someone close to your heart.

I mean, an acquaintance can betray me, or stab me in the back (here's your knife back, thank you very much. Sorry I bloodied it) and it would hurt but at the end of the day, I still can go, 'Oh, who gives a rat's ass about you anyway?!'

It's when someone you love, someone you're loyal to, betrays you that the pain is indescribable.

And after all these years, I've finally learnt my lesson. Never trust anyone. Sounds bitter? In my language, it's called survival skills. After all, pig-farmers feed their pigs, don't they?

When the person who's closest to me, whom I've known for all my life, betrayed me, well. A part of me just died. (And I'm saying this sans melodrama)

It's that innocent part which still believes in humanity. 'The milk of human kindness has curdled.' Funny sad, not funny ha ha. True, nonetheless.

Maybe it hasn't died out completely, who knows? God has amazing resurrection and healing powers. But for the time being, it's pretty much comatose. Vegetative condition. Whatever.

The sad thing is, I don't think I even recognize that person anymore! And I'm not talking about physical change here. It's as if I'm seeing a stranger peeking out from under that familiar face (or mask?). I think married couples on the brink of divorce are familiar with this.

And I've known that person ALL MY LIFE.

The lamp of the LORD searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being. - Proverbs 20:27

I guess the human heart is deceptive. Sometimes we don't even know ourselves, so how much more can we expect to know others?

'Judge not according to the appearance'

Lord, purge our eyes to see
Within the seed a tree,
Within the glowing egg a bird,
Within the shroud a butterfly:

Till taught by such, we see
Beyond all creatures Thee,
And hearken for Thy tender word,
And hear it, 'Fear not: it is I.'
~Christina Rossetti

Such a beautiful little poem about seeing what lies beneath the surface. We should all strive to look beyond first impressions.

If love is not worth loving, then life is not worth living,
Nor aught is worth remembering but well forgot;
For store is not worth storing and gifts are not worth giving,
If love is not;

And idly cold is death-cold, and life-heat idly hot,
And vain is any offering and vainer our receiving,
And vanity of vanities is all our lot.

Better than life's heaving heart is death's heart unheaving,
Better than the opening leaves are the leaves that rot,
For there is nothing left worth achieving or retrieving,
If love is not.
~Christina Rossetti

All heaven is blazing yet
With the meridian sun:
Make haste, unshadowing sun, make haste to set;
O lifeless life, have done.
I choose what once I chose;
What once I willed, I will:
Only the heart its own bereavement knows;
O clamorous heart, lie still.

That which I chose, I choose;
That which I willed, I will;
That which I once refused, I still refuse:
O hope deferred, be still.
That which I chose and choose
And will is Jesus' Will:
He hath not lost his life who seems to lose:
O hope deferred, hope still.
~Christina Rossetti

Yes, Lord. Help me desire the things You desire for me. Grant me the grace to set aside my own selfish desires. Help me refuse, help me forget, though the flesh cries out otherwise. Help me accept Your Will for my own. Amen.

Mirage

The hope I dreamed of was a dream,
Was but a dream; and now I wake
Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old,
For a dream's sake.

I hang my harp upon a tree,
A weeping willow in a lake;
I hang my silenced harp there, wrung and snapt
For a dream's sake.

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;
My silent heart, lie still and break:
Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed
For a dream's sake.
~Christina Rossetti

Sonnet 43

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

For Once, Then, Something

Others taught me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
Me myself in the summer heaven godlike
Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.
Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths--and then I lost it.
Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.
~Robert Frost

As Bread That Is Broken

Many hearts are hungry tonight
Many trapped in darkness yearn for the light
So many who are far from hope, and many who are lost
O Lord Your wounded children need the power of Your Cross

As bread that is broken, use our lives
As wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice
Empower us Father, to share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken, use our lives

Help us to begin where we are
Help us love the people near to our hearts
Give our faith a mission field, wherever You may call
Lord love the world through each of us until we've touched them all

This song has never failed to touch me, and claims the honor as the only song which has made me cry.

May these lyrics be our heartfelt prayer!

For to me, to live is Christ...

Luke 9:62 - No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.

Me? Look back? Never! I prayed fervently for God to mold me, this unworthy lump of clay. I was so eager to serve!

Of course, in my eagerness, I didn't realize that there are things other than 'looking back' which would render me equally unfit for service in God's Kingdom. Chief among these is not having my eyes firmly fixed on Christ.

Sure, my hands were on the plow and I was looking ahead. But I wasn't looking to Christ, wasn't waiting for His instructions. I was too eager to get things done, and in my enthusiasm, I rushed ahead blindly, relying on my own strength and foolish wisdom.

I told God that I would follow wherever He led, but when the road diverged and I was asked to tread the lonely path, I disobeyed. The human heart is deceptive indeed - I convinced myself that God didn't really say 'No'. I deliberately went 'deaf'.

Obviously, in the course of this battle between Self and the Cross, I lost. God, in His loving grace, took away that which was precious to me, my heartfelt desire, the weed which entangled my feet.

I was heartbroken. With the luxury of hindsight, though, I am thankful that He has done so. I wasn't looking back, but I was certainly delayed by that weed!

I couldn't serve properly unless I was thoroughly purified and refined, unless I was a living sacrifice. And to be a sacrifice, I had to surrender my ALL to Christ - hopes, dreams, fears, desires.

As Lilias Trotter so beautifully put it - 'The first step into the realm of giving is a surrender - not manward but Godward: an utter yielding of our best. So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning.'

Elisabeth Elliot reaffirmed this truth - ' Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship.'

I could never fully live for Christ until and unless I had died to Self! This means offering up to God all which I hold dear. It requires that I set aside my own selfish wants, that I trust my heavenly Father to guide each step of my life in the full belief that He knows best.

I was my own worst enemy in my walk with God, robbing myself with my own ideas of what was good for me - Eve's wisdom.

There is a satire: God found the devil sobbing and asked him why. Satan replied sadly that human beings were blaming him for the things they did, which he wasn't responsible for in the first place.

In truth, though, I think God should be the One weeping. Satan would just laugh, happy that he doesn't have to lift a finger, because we prevent ourselves from building the kind of relationship with God which He intends us to have.