True Malaysian Spirit

I'm sitting in a cyber cafe to get some work done. On my right are Malay boys. On my left are the Mandarin-speaking contingent. At my back, the next row of computers are seats of some English-speaking Chinese boys.

They're divided by language, the last speaking in an annoying faux-accent.

Yet, all are occupied with online gaming. They yell and shout in squeaky, adolescent voices. Whiny as mosquitoes, loud as firecrackers - equally annoying as both.

And one huge trait which so obviously makes them all the same - cursing.

The Mandarin-speakers are surprisingly the least voluble of all. Yet there have been one or two epithets. The pseudo-Caucasians (*choke* puke*) throw in a "f**k" frequently.

But the worst are the Malay boys on my right. They curse almost every 5 minutes, and whaddaya know, they're bilingual! They can even curse in Hokkien!!! Malaysia Boleh!!!

The guy directly to my right is the worst. He has huge headphones on his head and yells every minute. His laugh is loud and akin to a donkey's bray, except that the latter is more melodious. He must've come here right after waking up, because he forgot to brush his teeth. I know. I'm enveloped by a cloud of disgusting grossness every time he opens his mouth.

*sigh* I'm just so tired of all these people.

I need a laptop ASAP.

True Friends Bring Joy

Sometimes, certain actions touch you some way, and you realize that the world is beautiful and it's a lovely day after all.

Take as the best example Joy. She knew I was driving back this weekend to help my Mom get 'grounded in the basic tenets of Christianity'.

And, despite being tired from the hassle of packing and moving, despite the fact that she didn't have classes today, that she had to rush for work, Joy actually took the time to come to college to pray for me - my drive back, and for my parents as well.

Truly, she has been God's gift. A real Joy!

Joy, if you're reading this - I LOVE YOU. Thanx so much for everything. I appreciate it. You've been a real blessing to me and I can never repay you enough. I only hope that I can be as much a friend to you as you are to me. Sisters-in-Christ forever. :)

Attack of the Metrosexuals!!!

There's a new breed of guys taking over the world, and frankly, it's a pathetic situation.

These guys are the so-called metrosexuals. Don't know what it means? Think David Beckham. Think pretty men who fuss for hours and hours with their hair. Think men who shop for facial products, men who primp and preen.

Think men who wear pink shirts.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming*

The stuff of nightmares, enough to make you nauseated for a million years to come.

Even I don't wear make-up. I'm content with my facial cleanser, and that's it. I take maybe 20 minutes to get ready to go out, from head to toe.

So how is it that the balance has tipped? Why are guys spending more time in front of the mirror than I do???!!! It's unsettling and upsetting.

I honestly can't imagine dating a metrosexual guy, who'd love shopping more than I do (and I like shopping), who'd know more about beauty products than I do. It's scary.

I'd be forever battling the fear that he'd leave me one day...for a more beautiful GUY.

Sheesh. Please, guys. Give us girls a break.

Where are the real men?!

I personally miss the macho guys. (By 'macho', I don't mean chauvinistic/ assholic/ jerky/ egoistic).

Those who are attractive anyway without primping, because of their attitude and personality. The raw men who aren't afraid of spiders, who can 'fight off bad guys'. Real men, real leaders.

Not the sissified version this generation seems so fond of producing, who - to me, at least - seem more ready to be protected than to protect. Who are probably too worried about their perfect hair to chase away spiders for fear of messing up their hairdo.

O, woe!

Can you imagine these metrosexuals leading anything, let alone a country? They're more likely to lead an expedition to the nearest shopping mall. Help!

Of course, this doesn't mean that I think men should go around looking like slobs. How you dress counts. Look presentable, but don't primp!!!

*sigh*

I definitely won't date any guy who spends more than half an hour (the maximum time I'm willing to tolerate) getting ready to go out, fussing with hair. (Emergencies are excusable, though). Nor any guy who has more beauty products than I do!

Give me a slobby intellectual anytime.

Resolutions

At the beginning of the year 2005, Joy had us write down our resolutions for the year. This was my list :

1) Grow spiritually

2) Deal with my anger issues

3) Lead my parents, 5 cousins, and Sin Yee to Christ; see them saved

4) Be more patient

5) Learn to listen to God

6) Study harder/place more importance in my studies

7) Trust in God more!

Year-end review?

1) People around me see my spiritual growth - praise the Lord! :)

2) My friends - and me myself! :) - think I'm doing pretty well controlling my anger. I'm less prone to explode now, though I still erupt sometimes.

3) Of the 8, 3 are saved! My Mom, Alisha and Sin Yee have accepted Christ this year. :) :) :)

4) I'm more slightly more patient, but there's a lot of work to be done still.

5) I'm learning to listen to Him. :)

6) I've failed this one, miserably!!! Gotta whip my brain in shape.

7) Yes, this one I'm glad to say God has been gracious and granted me faith in Him.

Overall, pretty pleased with it. Notwithstanding the fact that I actually forgot what I wrote in the 1st place............................

Anyway, I'm gonna draw up another list for 2006!

Bad Day

The thing about praying for God to mould and shape is that God throws you into deep water sometimes. Sink or swim.

Like I've been praying about my anger issues, and my impatience. I asked God to help me love His people more.

What happens?

I end up with a perfectly crappy day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Even those which couldn't go wrong went wrong anyway!!!

Wanted to go to Baptist to get books, but it was closed. Thought of Evangel at Midlands, but there were no parking spaces even after 3 rounds of circling. Blog went missing in some cyber Twilight Zone. Annoying people (but it was just me). Emotional crap to shovel. Other stuff, lots of them.

Oh, how I craved for some loud and heavy music. Hoping to bash people up. Wanting to scream.

But then, I remembered the cross. I remembered my own sins, Christ's love and patience with me.

If God can take so much crap from me, and still love me, who am I to bitch about my life? So I learnt to 'grin and bear with it'. I learnt not to let my mood affect others, nor to allow trying circumstances to affect me.

I think I came away with maybe an iota of patience more.

Besides, some days you're the windshield, and other days you're the bug. Yesterday I was a bug, and the windshield was huge.

It's really true. How you view the world will influence the way you feel about it, and vice-versa.

I'm trying to view this world with love. God help me.

Amazing Grace

This Christmas 2005 is definitely the best Christmas I've ever had!!!

Besides getting cool stuff, which IS NOT the main reason for it being such a great one (but definitely helped!), I received the best gift ever!!!

My Mom accepted Christ!!!!!!! :)


It was during the Penang First AoG Christmas Dinner, held at the Equatorial Hotel. There was an altar call and she stepped out. I was surprised.

I cried, nuttier than a fruitcake. She cried, surprising me even more.


Later, when we had a chance to talk, Mom told me that lately when she was burdened by problems, she'd start thinking 'O Lord...' instead of turning to a certain idol.

I told her about God's promise - I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You...will be my people, and I will be your God. - Ezekiel 36:25-28


I think that definitely gave her food for thought.

What can I say? PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Yet, although she's saved, there's still much work to be done. Mom's not yet grounded in the basic tenets of Christianity. But I'm happy.

Well, one down, one more to go in my (immediate) family!

Next, I'm waiting for God's promise that the Walls of Jericho will come down. Dad had better watch out!!!

:) *hugs* to you!!!

Cybergremlins

Oh, yea. These critters defintiely exist! They swallowed up my blog.

Impatient and unable to wait for the Support Team to help, I did it the long way. Cut and paste some of the old entries, deleted my blog, created a new one with the old name.

An interesting, frustrating experience.

What a change from this piglet who once thought blogging was nuts!

Unruly Affections

~ As I began to learn what was in my heart I saw very clearly that, of all things difficult to rule, none were more so than my will and affections

~ In the woman, always the ancient longing...the inextinguishable hope for recognition, response, protection.- Elisabeth Elliot

Excerpts from Passion & Purity, and truisms at that.

Yes, I admit it. I am guilty. My affections have been running wild for quite some time now. Don't think I haven't tried to excise that certain someone from my thoughts and emotions. Don't think I would have chosen this path.

I cannot help it, try as hard as I did. The more I tried to 'unlearn his name', the more deeply entrenched he became. The more I wanted to forget that smile, the more my mind's eye conjured it up in vivid technicolor.

Bloody psychological workings of the mind.

And so I have surrendered it to God - His will be done. If indeed this is God-given, God will know how to direct my steps. If it is not from God, then this feeling will wear away someday.

I've learnt to accept my emotions. I can't change anything, and wondering if that person feels the same won't do good at all, so I'll just 'let it be'. I won't fight it, I'll just leave it there.

But, oh God, I pray Thy will be done!

Almighty God, You alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners. Grant me grace to love what You command and desire what You promise; that, among the swift and varied changes of the world, my heart may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found; through Jesus Christ my Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen. - Prayer, Elisabeth Elliot - Passion & Purity.

Living Sacrifices

The first step into the realm of giving is a surrender - not manward but Godward: an utter yielding of our best. So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name for "no polluted thing" can be offered - Lilias Trotter

How often are we guilty of giving God leftovers! We run to Him with broken things, shattered dreams, only as a last resort.

Never did we think of looking to Him first in everything, of offering our very best to Him that it may glorify His name. Instead, we treat God as an option - the last choice.

But this is not the way to serve God, who gave us the best gift of all.

To truly serve God, we must be willing to surrender ALL to Him - our hopes, dreams, desires, plans, our very lives. We must be willing to forgo our own pleasures and comfort and choose to take up the cross.

How can our lives be a gift to God if it costs us nothing?

Only by giving all to God - not just the rotten bits - can we be living sacrifices to Him.

Be like King David, who refused to give to God that which cost him nothing. True giving requires true sacrifice.

You can never outgive God. You can't really mean that you want to live for God unless you're willing to give up and surrender to Him the things you value the most - that is true giving.

This Christmas, offer yourself, your very life to God. It's a small price in return for His gifts of love, grace and mercy found in Christ Jesus.

If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad - Ruth Stull.

Great Is The LORD!!!

Jeremiah 32:27 - I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

So many times, we are afraid of external circumstances. Especially for me, in the course of evangelizing. I'm unsure and timid. I don't know how to take the initiative. I don't know if I've 'crossed the line'.

I have a prayer list of unsaved people. Some of them have unwavering faith in their own gods, while others are atheists and agnostics; worshippers of the new pantheon of gods - Self, Money, Power.

I was so broken over it. I felt so helpless.

Then God reminded me that He is the LORD, the God of all mankind. He created the heavens and the Earth. NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR HIM!

Praise the Lord. If Paul can be changed 180 degrees from just one encounter, so can others!

All I need is to persevere. Learning to pray faithfully is no easy task, though. Temptations spring up at every corner and turn.

But, by God's grace, I will keep on praying, keep on knocking, until all those on my list are saved!

Girl In The Mirror

I've seen her, the girl in the mirror, and I'm not proud of her at all. I'm ashamed of what I see.

She's so ugly and filthy, such a dirty soul.

She's cruel and mean; she can be terrifically bitchy at times; she's selfish and petty, small-minded. There is hate and anger in her, impatience, and a tendency to let her likes and dislikes get in the way to stop her from viewing people objectively.

She's complacent. She wants to do so many things, has good intentions, but she doesn't know how to put them into action.

She's shameless and wonderfully foolish. She's lazy and she procrastinates, and she has failed God, her parents, and herself in her studies.

I am so disappointed by her. At times I even hate her, and I wish that she would just die.

I Cooked!!!

The CF celebrated Christmas a few days (nights? hmm...) earlier with the BBQ at Marina Bay on the 21st December. It was an interesting experience and a great lesson on faith.

We'd been praying for good weather, seeing as how it had been raining consistently in the evenings for the past few days. God not only gave us good weather, He even threw in clear skies! There were stars shining so beautifully, like diamonds on black velvet... Orion was proudly regal in his eternal hunt. I pointed out his belt to Chun Chung, who was too involved with the chicken, or else plain disinterested, to care.

Anyway, everything went perfectly smoothly, with more people than expected. And - THANK GOD!!! - there was enough food for everyone, and they all left full. Thank God. I was so worried that the food would run out, but what does a lowly human girl know, right? There were leftovers. :)

And - this is the amazing part - I actually prepared the salad!!! Yea, okay, so it doesn't count as cooking, and it was a joint effort, but it was really an accomplishment of sorts for me. I can't even cook Maggi Mee, okay? (Ask Lawrence. He's tasted my efforts before!) And here I was, happily peeling potatoes and carrots, dicing them, slicing tomatoes. :)

The good part was that no one complained that it sucked (maybe they were too polite, but thank God for small mercies!). The better part is that no one got food poisoning (at least, I hope not. It's still early in the morning. I haven't met the people who went yet...hmmm...uh oh!). The BEST part is that Tai actually doggie-bagged the leftover salad and said it was good!!! Whoohoooooo!!!!!!!

It was great fun preparing the stuff at Joy's. Really crazy. She'd ask me questions like, What should I do with these? Which kind of potatoes are best barbecued? Is the pasta boiled enough? Each time I'd look at her and say, Joy, you're asking me?! I've never cooked before!

Yea, I know I shouldn't celebrate mediocrity, but damn, it was fun. :) Definitely one of the moments I'll treasure forever. :)

The funny thing was, being keyed up and tightly wound the whole day, running around for last minute stuff, anticipating the event, left me so exhausted when the time finally came and people arrived.

I was so tired and felt like leaving, but Lawrence persuaded me to stay through at least the worship session. I did, and then I felt revived. The icebreakers took care of the last remains of exhaustion. I think I was laughing more than participating!

And thanks to Chun Chung, the food turned out great. Everything was perfect. :) God is good, all the time.

We had a short sharing by Chun Chung - he fed us physical as well as spiritual food! Apparently, he'd prepared something else, but by divine intervention there was a slight modification on his sharing.

Then we sang songs, and it was ended.

Thanks to all the lovely people who made it possible :

Ben - for organizing the event and playing guitar and making us laugh with your falsetto voice. Justin - you did a great job emcee-ing and planning the icebreakers! And thanks for staying for the clean-up. Dennis - for leading the worship. Hock Chai, Sin Yee, Jia Yit, Yisrael, Lawrence and Joy - for helping out with the food! Amanda - for the invitations.

I think I can safely say everyone enjoyed themselves very much, and made new friends To God be the glory!

Frankenstein

I think almost everyone is familiar with the tale of a bright, young student and his creation.

Reading it, I can't help but sympathize with the 'fiend' - which is an unfortunate term for the poor creature.

True, it murdered Victor Frankenstein's brother, friend, and wife. And although there is no excuse for murder, I understand the circumstances which drove the creature to commit such horrifying deeds.

Like it or not, Victor Frankenstein was every bit as responsible as the creature for the deaths of his loved ones as if his were the hands which strangled their necks.

A harsh lesson indeed for the young student as to the consequences of playing God, one which we might do good to take to heart.

Who was the real monster? I cannot say, without my conscience screaming itself hoarse, that it is the creature. Neither is it Victor Frankenstein, as an individual - although his greed and selfishness was monstrous in itself.

No, the real monsters are the representatives of the human race which the creature encountered along the way. The peasant family - whom the creature loved, who turned him away when they saw his appearance. Everyone who met the creature and drove him away just because he looked different.

The creature may have looked a monster, but it is the humans who are the true monsters - deceptively hiding their true nature.

And although that is fiction, the ugly truth is that the tragedy of Frankenstein's creature occurs in the real world.

We still discriminate. We hate those who are different. We exist in cliques, comfortable in our own terribly exclusive little world, leaving others out.

Face it - almost everyone can name some so-called "outcast" they know, be it in college, at the workplace, or even back in school. That one person everyone shuns, or is afraid to talk to for fear of appearing 'uncool' or 'weird'.

News flash - that attitude stinks!

How many have we driven to suicide? How many have we indirectly caused to be monsters?

We are the true monsters!

19th December

This marks the 1st anniversary of my baptism! :)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Spent time with God on that day and got these verses:

1 Corinthians 1:25 - For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
~ I love this! No matter how invincible anyone seems to be, we're all dust anyway. God is always in control.

2 Corinthians 10:4 - The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
~ I was praying for the items on my list, and then I read this. It was very encouraging. :) God always listens! Amen.

To Love or Be Loved?

Joy asked me which I would choose - to love or be loved?

I finally have my answer. I would choose to love.

I would rather love and bear all the pain which comes with loving. Seeing a smile on the face of the people I love is worth the cost of loving.

If I choose to be loved, I would most likely turn out cold and selfish, self-centered, thinking only of what I want. I would hurt others.

I'd much rather be hurt than cause people pain.

And love always generates love in return. So by loving, I would also be loved.

Tension of Opposites

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle. - Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

I often feel right smack in the middle of the rubber band. The center of a game of tug-of-war, a maelstrom of conflicting emotions and desires.

Yet I am not torn between duty and desire. No, I am more complicated than that. I am torn between my own emotions. My very nature is a paradox.

I can be very loud and outspoken, yet I'm very shy. I can make a decision lightning-fast and feel sure about it, yet wonder for hours about what to eat. I daydream and am a closet romantic, but I am also terrifically practical in some matters. I dislike bratty kids, but can melt at the sight of a baby sleeping.

I am constant and steadfast in certain areas, and at the same time unsure about others. Confident one day, terrified the next day.

I am a complete spectrum of emotions and thoughts - I have been at every point from one end to the other. A perfect paradoxical package.

But in a strange, inexplicable way, I am not confused. It's just who I am. People may think me a liar because I contradict myself, but I am not.

And in the midst of all this tension, there are certainties entrenched deeply. Only the surface is roiling - the depths are steady and secure.

Like my values and principles, my love for my bed, my loyalty to family and friends - these remain strong.

And the most important factor - if 'factor' is the right word - my eternal lodestar and guiding light, my ultimate Master - the Lord Jesus Christ.

So, although I am a study on contradiction, the consistencies are actually tiny and unimportant. In the essentials, I am secure.

Don't worry if you find yourself facing this tension of opposites. Morrie had an answer as to which side would win, and personally, I agree with him - Love always wins.

Although, of course, it must be the right kind of love, godly love - but that is a matter for another entry altogether!

If I was a rich girl...

No, not that annoying Gwen Stefani song, but what used to be my favorite daydream. I envied rich kids, wondered why I wasn't born rich.

Even now, looking at well-to-do people spending their money thoughtlessly makes me wince. There are so many poor people out there who have to save up for what they want, and others who don't even have enough to eat, yet these people just waste their money, throw it down the drain. Change handphones every month.

Then again, I guess if I were born rich, I wouldn't be able to empathize with the poor. I'd be one of those who threw money away. I wouldn't appreciate the sacrifices my parents make.

Most probably, I'd be a b***h. And even more likely, I wouldn't have gotten to know Christ.

When I look at being rich from a different perspective, I realize how blessed I am. I am rich - rich in love! I have all I need. I'm surrounded by people I love.

And, thanks to Christ, I know that money means nothing. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.

Not that money isn't a useful tool - it's only bad if you let it start to master you.

Anyway, why envy the rich?

Whether you're driving a Kancil or a Jaguar, you'd still be stuck in the same traffic jam. And, driving a Kancil, you're less likely to worry about dents and scratches from other vehicles.

The Greatest Commandment

Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."...And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

We can never truly love our neighbors if we do not love God with all our heart, soul and mind. Likewise, if we love God with all our heart, soul and mind, we can never not love our neighbors.

Loving God means loving His creations.

We can sing songs of worship, raise our hands to Him, attend church and read the Bible faithfully, cry out to Him the loudest, but if we do not show love for His people, all those actions are about as meaningful as the Pharisees' "religion".

But God knows it's hard to fulfill this commandment!

Personally, I've had so many trials, so many trying people in my life. Loving them is a test of patience.

I'm still learning, and by God's grace, I've learnt to love some whom I could not previously encounter without my blood boiling.

It's a tough road - but I would not have it any other way!

Blessed are those...

Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

A few weeks back, I was in a slump of doubt, a pit of despair. All around me, my friends were growing in Christ. I felt so hopeless, so useless. Some have visions, have felt the touch of the divine.

And I? I was just stumbling along, crawling at a pace which would make snails happy.

I was stagnant, and I felt as dirty as stagnant water. I cried out to God - why Lord?! What am I doing wrong?

I sobbed, I wept. And then out of this stifling fog, a breath of fresh air touched me. A thought came, that verse from John 20:29...

Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed...

Jesus' very own words! I felt a sense of peace. That storm of doubt, despair and depression just abated. I was free.

Along with those words of encouragement, God reminded me that I should not rely on my own strength. That as a soldier for Christ, a time of waiting is equally as important as a time of action, but more difficult to bear. That whatever valley or mountain-top I'm at, God is always with me and I should turn to Him.

I am not unloved by Him; just because He doesn't seem to be near doesn't mean that He has abandoned me.

I thank God for that low slump. It was a period of evaluation, of readying myself for action. It has made me draw closer to God.

To God be the glory!

Inadequacy

Eloquence is a painting of thoughts... - Blaise Pascal

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I have so many dreams, I want to do so much, and yet... Yet I am not well equipped. Yet I am not ready. I don't have what it takes.

I want to write, it has always been my dream. But all I do, even with journals and blogs, is spill meaningless words out over and over. Reuse the same old words, recycle the same old things.

When I read a beautiful sentence, a perfect verse, I could almost weep with envy! How I admire the way some writers express themselves clearly, every word exactly what it should be. How others can 'paint their thoughts' so well, and all I can do is produce a mediocre picture at best.

Even with the amount of novels I've been through, I never seem to be able to absorb the language, never am able to master words.

When I read Saki, and Gaiman, even Wilde, it breaks my heart that they write with such an elegance I could never hope to achieve...

:(

Lady Luck, Mistress Fate - call her what you will, that capricious, beguiling minx.

Humans look for her everywhere, in tea leaves and in the creases of palms, or in my kind. They seek to tame her, bowing down to my sister Sun, paying homage to the Moon, appeasing the elements. It amuses me, how they run around fearfully obeying imagined omens, dancing to her tune, all the while thinking to win her to their side when in fact they are enslaving themselves to her for nothing.

Do they not know that even she has to obey only One? That there is nothing to rule them well that can be found among the lowly skies?

I should know. I am a star; I have been one for centuries, and I move to the rhythm my Creator has set for me. There is nothing here.

You humans are not looking high enough.

This, if nothing else, you should learn after all these long years of stargazing.

Best 6 days!!!

6 days - 28th November till the 3rd of December - have been one of the best in my life! :) It was the National Conference '05 organized by FES.

Upon reaching Peacehaven, I was greeted by the breathtaking view. Sunsets were beautiful, and there was always dancing mist. My favorite thing to do was go outside during free time, alone, wrapped up snug in jackets, and spend time with God.

I miss it already!

God also affirmed the work He wanted me to do, and I discovered my 'Pillar of Fire' at en.Zyme - to follow Him through the darkest night, surrounded or pursued by enemies, despite overwhelming circumstances. Then with His help, I can part my own Red Sea. Down come the walls of Jericho! Three cheers for Jesus.

I wouldn't exchange this experience for any material thing in the world!

let my lips unlearn your name.
let my fingers untrace
your smile,
your photograph-face.
let my eyes
devour not
hungrily, every word
nor mistakenly read
anything
more than words,
less than real.
my heart - let it beat
unhindered
by thoughts of you.
let my mind dwell
not
on you.
let me love you
not...

Snakes & Spiders

And these signs shall follow them that believe...They shall take up serpents... - Mark 16:17~18

Living in Penang has certainly been interesting for me, not least in respect of my 'visitors'.

So far, there have been 4 spiders and a snake.

2 of the spiders were huge, hairy ones - both had a short stay in my shower. The 2nd hung around for a few days, neither the maid nor I daring to go near it. One morning, bleary-eyed, I went in to shower. I inspected the bathroom - goody! The spider was gone! I could finally have my shower in peace!!! Halfway through washing the shampoo off my hair, I felt something go plop! onto the floor near my right foot. I opened my eyes, grabbed my glasses - and there it was! The monstrous spider!!!

It was the worst experience ever. I can only thank God that it didn't fall onto me. I don't know what I would've done if it did. Taught me a valuable lesson, this did - always make sure the top of the water heater is clear as well. (I'm short, sue me.)

The 3rd spider was tiny, but equally hairy. It scurried across the floor of my room. Thank God my roommate was there. She squashed it.

The 4th spider, well...it was less hairy, but rivalled the first two in size. It was hanging calmly on the wall directly above my bed. Needless to say, I yelped. My roommate - true heroine, she! - tried to chase it away, but succeeded instead in getting it behind my closet, which is right beside my bed. I messaged Joy, KT, Alisha and Oliver for urgent prayer requests that the spider be gone. I slept far, far away from my closet that night...as far as a single bed's space would allow, anyway. In the morning, I checked the floor before getting off my bed.

My roommate has been living in that same room, using the same bathroom, for many years now. And she tells me that she has never had any encounters whatsoever with any spider. What luck that I managed to attract four!

You could say I have a love-hate relationship with spiders. They love me, but I hate them.

And not only Penang spiders, either. An Alor Star spider - big, hairy one - snuck into my room in the wee hours of the morning when I was living in Alor Star. Trust me, you want to be awake and alert to study in the middle of the night? Try having a fat spider larger than your palm hanging on the wall. Till today, I have no idea where it came from. Here I understand - my uncle's house is the last, neighboring the forest. But in Alor Star, no bushy, forest-y area within a few km!!!

And the maid told me that she was changing the bedsheets when she saw a tiny snake around 20cm long by her foot on the floor beside my bed! Just imagine, it must've been there for quite some time and I was blissfully unaware.

Also, if it were that tiny, it must've hatched recently. Snakes do not lay single eggs. So where are its siblings? Where are its parents?!

But I am confident in the LORD. He shall protect me, my fortress, shelter, and deliverer. My life is in His hands. They shall take up serpents...

I only hope it covers spiders as well!

p/s: If you're wondering what happened to the spider which plopped onto the floor, I killed it. But honestly, it was out of self-defense - a combination of sheer fright and desperation. I hosed it down with warm water to get it far away from me. In the end, it lay on the drain cover, curled up and quite dead.

A Man Called Norman

I was browsing through the IPG library one day when my attention was strangely drawn to a boring looking (and sounding!) book titled A Man Called Norman, by Mike Adkins. I thought it was going to be a draggy story.

But surprisingly, it turned out to be one of the best books I've ever read. It tells of a friendship between a lonely hermit everyone thought was crazy, and a young Christian.

It's not based on a true story - it is the true story of Norman and Mike. How God moved Mike and taught him the true meaning of Love thy neighbour as thyself.

I was struck, again, at how cruel human beings are. How quick we are to judge others, to isolate those different than us just to gain a false sense of superiority.

And how gracious and loving God is, how amazing His grace, how real God is.

Most of all, it taught me to view people differently. The weird guy over there? The crazy old lady you see?

They might not be the crazy ones.

To love God is to love His people!

Fear & Hate

Fear lies at the root of all hate.

We hate most that which we are afraid of. (I hate spiders)

It is this natural human tendency to fear the unknown, and thence hate it, which leads to racism. Color, in relation to race and ethnicity, is of the utmost importance. Before we decide to hate someone, we must first look at his color and proceed based on that.

And the most important color? The supreme color on which race is to be judged?

RED. The color of blood, that life essence we all share.

So before you next hate someone because of his color, think red.

We might be of different colors outside, but within we are all the same. God created us in His image, equal in His sight.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die?

Seeing is Believing?

A usual argument for non-believers is this : You can't see God, so how can you prove He exists?

For such detractors, I have a few things to say.

1) You can't see the wind.

2) You feel love, hatred, anger, joy - but these emotions can't be seen. Only its effects can be seen.

3) Usually, these non-believers claim that science disproves God's existence. Well, then, those who believe in the 'Big Bang' theory and all should certainly subscribe to the theory that all matter is made up of atoms, right? I throw this question back at them - If they can't see atoms, then why do they believe that all matter is made up of atoms? What about viruses and bacteria? These can't be seen with the naked eye either, only with the aid of microscopes and such. Yet we know they exist. And in the first place, why were microscopes created? Because men wanted to search for something which they couldn't, as yet, see with their eyes.
They believed in the existence of germs and set out to find them - and succeeded.

We Christians - not all have seen God physically. But we believe He exists, we know He exists. We feel Him. He is real, as real as the wind, as real as your thoughts and emotions.

You are living proof that He exists. (If you were descendants of apes, why are there still apes walking around? For that matter, who created the apes?)

God Answers Prayers!

I was praying for my list of pre-believers and feeling kinda down coz the list was so long. Then God put in my one word - Ezekiel. I thought it was just my own mind doing its own thing, but when I opened the Bible, one part stared right up back at me - Ezekiel 36:24-27 -

'For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land.I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.'

:)

Then, just a few days ago, I was drowning in despair - I felt as if I was so useless, unable to do anything for God. I wasn't growing, I was just stagnant and perhaps even backsliding. Then on Sunday, my church's weekly contact included an article, the gist of which is that we often overlook the value of waiting. It asked Christians to wait patiently when God doesn't seem to answer.

And I was praying for courage and strength to walk with God, praying that He'll never let me go. God answered with Joshua 1 - telling me that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and asking me to be strong and courageous, that I mustn't be terrified nor discouraged.

Isn't it so wonderful to serve a living, loving God? A personal God? I love Him!

As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD! Amen. :)

Paul

Besides Jesus, my 2nd favorite New Testament guy has gotta be Paul. The change in him is such a great testimony to God's amazing grace.

Most importantly, Paul has a great sense of humor! Consider this verse in Galatians 5:12 :

As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!

He was referring to those who preached that the Gentiles needed circumcision to be saved. I have to say, I agree with him!

Three cheers for Paul!!!

Soledad Again

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then–in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life–was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

The demon is indeed looming large in front of me, grinning wickedly, seductively. Its name is Despair. It whispers in my ear, sneaks into my dreams, telling me I will always be alone.

It's right.

I am forever alone, forever lonely.

The loneliest, most desolate place is inside me, when I am surrounded by people who are called 'friends', but who don't know me or the struggles I face.

All I loved, I loved alone.

Journal Entry of a Girl named Soledad

I'm feeling really out of sorts. I can feel my old friend Depression hovering nearby, just waiting for a chance, a sign of weakness, to insinuate himself back into my life.

I feel so useless, like I'm not good enough, never will be good enough to do anything.

I feel unappreciated. When my friends need someone to talk to, I'm there for them. But when I want to talk to a living human being, I find none. I guess it's true. If you expect nothing from nobody, you're never disappointed.

People patronize me, or take me for granted.

I feel like a mannequin, so hollow and empty.

I want to die.

Thoughts of suicide
What's the best way to die?
Alleviate the pain inside
No need to wonder why.
From the cradle at birth
Just heading to the grave
From this Hell on Earth
I wish to be saved.

Human 'Rights'

The term 'human rights' seems nice, looks nice. It's packaged attractively. But look closer and you see the devil's ugly hand in it.

It's actually just another way of worshipping the "great god" Self.

Before you think I'm just another loony zealot, hear me out. Consider this : Didn't Eve's disobedience stem from what she perceived as her 'right' to be like God? Eat this, the serpent promised, and you will be like God.

Even until now, this is the lie perpetrated by the devil - that we can be like God, that we can save ourselves through our actions. That we should please ourselves first, and who cares about God?

Human rights is dangerous because it promotes behaviour contrary to God's law. The basis of these so-called 'rights' is a common, selfish desire of doing what we want, not what God wants. It promotes sin, legalizes sin. But in God's eyes, sin is still sin.

I have a right to live with my partner. I don't want to get married. What kind of crap is this?

Of course I don't mean to say that we shouldn't have rights at all. That would be impossible. But there should be a limit to it, and the limit should be God's law. We have perfect freedom in Christ, but this freedom does not mean that we have the 'license' to sin.

Human rights? Yea, right. Imagine giving more power to human beings, when we're already doing such a good job of screwing things up. Just look at the world - all we touch, we manage to pollute. Human rights? We can't even govern ourselves. Puh-leeze!

Memory Loss

I set out to post about something, some very important issue which cropped up during my week-long break. However, the moment I clicked on 'Create Post', I realized I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was that I wanted to rant about. *sigh*

And so, to compensate, I selected this topic. Twisted irony, really.

I find that I've been losing my memory - and my things - quite a lot. Significantly more than I used to anyway. For example, within the last 2 weeks of October up until today, I've managed to misplace (or realize that I'd misplaced) :

1) My copy of William Golding's 'Lord of the Flies'

2) A CD

3) My current student card

Also, I managed to forget the topic I wanted to write about. Early stages of Alzheimer's, maybe? Hmmm...

These 3 items might not seem like a big deal to you. But for those who know me, it will come as a shock.

Why? Why am I forgetting things? (Studies don't count - I forget them anyway! The moment I get to the next sentence, I forget the previous one)

I don't know. I can only trust in God. He has a plan for all this, I'm sure. Maybe it's so that I'll be more merciful and compassionate towards those who have this problem. Maybe I really do have Alzheimer's, even at my age. God knows.

Oh, anyway, in case you're interested, I did find the things I'd misplaced, after much heartfelt prayer:

1) William Golding's work was with my cousin - who, when I asked, swore that he did not have it. I made him check again because that was the last known location.

2) My CD was in my bag, hidden under a pile of Hangman paper.

3) The student card was in the pocket of my shirt, which ended up washed. Yes, the card survived, but not without scars. Sadly, the once crisp and new card looks like something which had been in a 3 year old kid's possession.

I think I need a notebook to write down stuff. Oh, wait, have I actually got one already?

Men, leaders?

It's stated in the Bible that men are supposed to lead and wives submit. I used to have a problem with this idea because it seems so chauvinistic. My God a chauvinist?

Of course, I read the verse out of context - men are supposed to LOVE their wives in return.

I guess the reason why I felt so discomfited is that all around me, I see men who are unfit to lead. They don't love their wives. Our society is such that affairs, cheating, two-timing is as common as grass. Sad, but true.

Even those men who are nice don't have 'leadership' qualities. Most of them, anyway. They seem very laid-back and blur most of the time.

And those men who actually have a clue, well, they can get pretty annoying. They seem to think that they're right all the time, and they can be very stubborn. Leadership qualities without humility is nothing. Look at Jesus. He is a leader, and He's humble.

To all boys out there - develop your self before you even think of having a girlfriend! Make sure you're fit to lead. Maybe then women wouldn't be taking over the world to fill the void!

And to the chauvinists out there, who interpret the Bible as God's green light to think women are inferior, think again. God never meant men to patronize women. Love, cherish and respect women. We submit, but only to worthy men.

Chauvinists who treat women condescendingly can do what King Kong did - go climb up the highest building in the vicinity, thump on your chests a few times, add a few yells for good measure...and then I suggest you jump down the building for the grand finale! We inferior women will be standing admiringly watching your antics, and applaud. Loudly.

Prayerwarts

Philippians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This is one of my favorite Bible verses ever! I used to be a worrywart, still am sometimes, but I'm working towards being a 'prayerwart' nowadays.

Just imagine what we can accomplish if instead of worrying, we prayed! The world will be shaken to its foundations and Satan&Co will be hopping mad. Isn't that fun? :)

Another alternative to worrying would be meditating on God's Word. Take a verse from the Bible, memorize it, and begin to think about it, repeat it, throughout the day. Now that's better - and so much more constructive - than worrying.

After all, it's already in God's hands. Worrying accomplishes nothing, except maybe adding a few more wrinkles/white hair. It's good if you want to grow old faster, but other than that it really serves no purpose.

So the next time you catch yourself worrying, start praying and talking to Jesus instead. You think I sound crazy? Well, tell that to me when we meet. I'll be at peace with the world, and you'll just be old and stressed.

The lyrics of a beautiful song :

I WIll Come To You In Prayer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will come to You in prayer
I will seek Your face
I will stand between the gap
There will I intercede
For every time I pray I move the hands of God
My prayer does the things my hands cannot do
And every time I pray mountains are removed
The paths are made straight, and nations turn to You
I am weak and helpless Lord
You my strength shall be
Guide me with Your gracious hand
There will my victory be

Save the Cherries!!!

Cherries today are being popped at an alarming rate. Girls as young as 9 have begun experimenting with sex. It's quite frankly disturbing.

Yes, call me conservative or old-fashioned, but I strongly believe that sex should be confined within marriage.

Do women honestly think that having sex with a man can make him love you more? Dream on. if he really loved you in the first place, he'd respect you. That includes 'no sex'. A bit of truth - harsh and ugly maybe, but true nonetheless - most men don't care about the girls they sleep with. As long as they have an avenue, they're happy. Sleeping with them won't make them love you more. Sex, to men, has a different meaning than to women.

And think of all those diseases you could catch. Eww.

This poem by Hilary Tham sums my thoughts up best.

Equal pay, yes, of course. Equal sex
I cannot understand. They are throwing away
Years and years of women’s work?
From the beginning, women have made men
Pay for sex – a leg of wild boar, gold
chains, marriage. Now, their daughters give
it away, call it freedom! And the men,
the men are laughing as they go
from bed to bed to bed.

Very eloquent, don't you think?

Braces

I have ugly teeth, okay? They're crooked and, well, ugly.

So, anyway, I've had people come up to me - mostly old ladies of the busybody species, friends of my parents (let me tell you I hate social gatherings) - and discuss about me with my parents as if I were invisible, a chunk of meat at the butcher's they'd like to buy.

You know that kinda talk. Yak-yak-blah-blah then glance at you and smile, yak-yak some more. Meanwhile, I'd be smiling politely if I forgot to bring my trusty novel, a fake artificial smile, like those artificial sweeteners - 10-sen candy instead of million-dollar-pure-Haagen-Dazs ice-cream. (Don't look at me like that. I'm pretty sure you've used it before!!!)

It's inevitable. One old auntie will approach me and say,"Aiyo, you so pretty wan, why don wan go straighten your teeth? Later no boy you know!" (sic) as if they were doing me a huge favor. (Note: The usage of the word 'pretty' is not a compliment to me. This particular species of people use it all the time in front of any and all subject matter and her parents. What they say behind the subject matter's parents' backs are different things altogether.)

By this time, a thousand sarcastic answers will be floating in my mind, all clamouring for release. It is only by a mighty act of will that I manage to curb my tongue - and that because of my parents. I have to 'jaga' their 'water face', after all. *sigh* The sacrifices I make. My parents should appreciate me more.

But I digress.

So, being restrained by thoughts of impropriety, with what they think is maidenly modesty (*choke*sputter*), gritting my (ugly) teeth, I say nothing.

Inside, though, I'm seething. I'm insulted. I'm pissed off.

Firstly - looking for a boyfriend is NOT a priority in my life. These old ladies are sad, sad cases.

Secondly - IF I were looking for a boyfriend, he definitely won't be the kind who goes for looks only. That's so shallow. If a guy were to say he loves me but can't accept my teeth or any other part of me, well, he can go take a hike. Any guy who says he loves me and then asks me to get braces - I'll ask him to get braces and stick 'em up his @$$. Ditto with those who complain about the way I dress.

Thirdly, and most important - God made me, each single part, ugly teeth and all. And I'm happy with His work. I'm beautiful the way I am. God happens to love abstract art.

The moral of this post? Love the way you are - fat, small, short, tall, warts and all. Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about the way you look. Remember - to God you're special. And to all those busybodies...go look in the mirror, okay?

English Judges

Being a 3rd year law student, I've come to certain conclusions about English law in general, and English judges in particular.When I first started, I wondered why, with all their education and smarts, they couldn't seem to construct a proper sentence in English. I wondered why they were so convoluted and confused. I wondered, most of all, whether they knew of the existence and meaning of the comma and full stop, since those were so rarely used.

After 2 and a half years of torture, of taking 10 minutes to read a single paragraph and another 20 minutes trying to figure out what the heck they were trying to say, all those agonizing moments reconstructing sentences and trying to make sense of them, wondering why they said 'not unnecessary' when they could have said 'necessary', I've formed certain theories:

1) English judges and lawyers (whether practicing or academic) love to flaunt their so-called smarts. After all, if they studied so hard, worked so hard, why not use it fully, right?

2) They love being part of an exclusive elite. It gives their fragile ego a huge boost. Typical high-nosed snobbery. I imagine they love to turn their noses up in the air, hmph-ing at us idiotic, illiterate laypeople. Makes them feel powerful. Of course, someone should tell them that walking with noses up in the air is bad for their health. They'd drown easily when it rains.

3) They have no idea what they're doing either. And finally...

4) Those people just plain can't speak English.

Sonnet

I have lost my rhyme, and reason to write

The source of my hurt, my tears, and my pain
My depression and sorrows have all died
I can't find it in me to cry again.
I have lost my words, all despairing thought
My wounds have bled, scabbed, healed; scars disappeared
Where once, solace in pain and death I sought
Now fears and doubts have taken flight, and cleared.
I have lost my rhyme, but gained so much more
Such price as this I am willing to pay
To live in love and joy for evermore
To lose transient words which will fade away.
And all because You first loved me, my Lord
And made known Your lasting Word, Spirit's sword.

Q : Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A : To stamp out burning fires.

Q : Why do elephants have wide, flat feet?

A : To stamp out burning ducks.



I have no idea why this cracks me up so much.

Chicken or Egg?

Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

This question has long been one of the many 'unsolved mysteries' of the world, puzzling people worldwide. A typical philosophical question.

So it is with great pleasure that I unveil the answer. Yes, I do know the answer.

In fact, the answer is so clear, right in front of our eyes. The only possible reason we could miss it in the first place is because we've looked at the wrong places for the answer. Blindly, many have stumbled across the answer but wilfully turned away in denial - perhaps the truth was too harsh to accept?

But anyway, I digress. Here's the answer :

"So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good." - Genesis 1:21.

So, people, we all know now. The chicken came first!

Existence of God

How can anyone dispute God's existence?

The mere fact that human beings are walking, talking, existing, proves that there IS a Creator out there.

Take a good look around. Open your eyes and truly see, and you'll ask yourself how you could have ever doubted God.

Look at the sky, the sun and moon. Look at the sea. Trees, flowers, birds, ants. Feel the wind. Imagine, for once, the world in its immense complexity and wonder, instead of looking at things from your own selfish perspective and come tell me that there is no God.

How was the world created? Who created it? All this wonder originated from some cosmic explosion? I think not.

Ask "Show me proof where God is" and I'll answer "Show me proof where God is not"

Open your eyes for once. You don't have to go far. Any mirror will do.